MIMM: On Turning 25 and Getting Back In The Saddle

If you read this on May 12, then it is my birthday!! 25 and cue the quarter life crisis. I’ve had many a ramble on this here Internet space about turning 25 and “OMG MY LIFE ISN’T WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS AHH” and “all my friends have their lives together and I don’t!!!” 22-24 was totally fine, but 25 just seems like a different playing field, overall just different. 25 still freaks me out. I’m halfway through my twenties! Eek! Most of my life I’ve felt the number or stage didn’t reflect where I was. I remember doing a free write in high school creative writing class rambling that I couldn’t believe I was a senior. The seniors before me had been so old! They were so mature!  I didn’t feel I looked like they did, knew what they did, or were as cool/sophisticated (ha) as they were. How was I in their position so quickly? I felt being a high school senior was sprung upon me and I hadn’t met any requirements to prove I was ready yet no one had noticed and just made me play the part of one anyway.

I’m feeling okay about 25 (for now). Meanwhile my parents are freaking out more with every passing day. On Easter my dad leaned in to me at church and whispered, “You’re going to be 25 in less than a month. Are you ever planning on getting married? Will I ever walk you down this [church] aisle?” and every time my mom calls lately she asks if I’m “even trying” to get a boyfriend. Now I just roll my eyes and try to shrug it off at how they value 25. I’m a lot happier than I was on my 24th birthday, so that’s what I am using as my measuring stick. Life is long (hopefully) and now I just stick to what’s meant to happen will happen but am finally accepting I likely have to leave my house more for things to actually happen. 😉

Remember my spin class last year? Horrible memories…me being convinced I would die while standing up and spinning so I took off all of my resistance like a genius. Then I woke up the next day and could barely move. Good times! I still think spinning is a work-out I would like, but I’ve been too intimidated, haha. Rev Cycle Studio opened a mile from my house with Bmore’s top cycle instructors and people have the best things to say about it. I would be like “yeah, yeah, i want to go and try it!” and I honestly meant it but was scared. But luckily Rev dropped a great opportunity right at my feet. A beginners class. Free. Saturday afternoon. Boom. They took away every excuse I could think of. I pulled my usual stunt and booked my bike and picked the dead last row in the corner. I got there and they told me there were 10 people in the class so I could move up a few rows. I still wasn’t sure, but with 10 people in the class it would be uber weird to be by myself in the back corner, haha. A handful of staff and instructors showed up and helped us set up our Schwinn bikes. This was fantastic, since there were so few attendees each staff member could spend time with you explaining everything.

There were ultimately two instructors, Jim and Janet. Janet is a triathlete, and Jim is an accomplished cyclist. At the beginning of the class, Jim explained how to position your body on the bike. Janet primarily lead the class and Jim went around checking on everybody. I remember in the middle of the class thinking “Good God, these two are so kick-ass.” They were so awesome and it was such a great experience for beginners. We did a few climbs and .. guess what .. it was still hard but I managed it much better! I think the Schwinn bike made all the difference. I could see what gear I was at, how far I had gone, calories burned, RPM, etc. Seeing the gear number really helped me for the climbs. Still don’t like the climbs, but I can get through them more easily. I just really like the sitting down part, no surprise there. I still struggled a bit with adjusting my body to the bike. I told Jim (well if we’re being specific, I gasped and panted) that my shoulders hurt and was this normal or was I just being extra wussy? He explained it and helped, but I understand it will still take a few more rides. I walked there and back since it’s only a mile which was great until a thunderstorm rolled in when I was a half a mile from my house with a hoodless jacket. So bad at checking the weather. I sprinted the last few blocks home and my sunglasses fell out of my pocket somewhere which is sad. Anyway…it was marvelous and I am so glad I went! So if you are a Bmore resident who happens to read blogs and haven’t gone yet, go! I’m sure you will be better than I.

I took the day off from work and I’ll probably go back to Rev for a barre class in the morning, then grocery shop, food prep and do laundry. I’m just so crazy. I’ll send you a postcard from the wild side. My mom asked what she could get me for my birthday and I said “protein powder.” Oh how times have changed, haha. I’ll probably go to my favorite bar, get drunk and then ramble about being 25 over a big plate of nachos.

Thanks to Katie for hosting the link-up!

 

The Way I Think

Hey. Thanks so so much for all your comments on my last post. Sometimes I wonder why I blog, then I read other peoples blogs, comments on other peoples blogs, comments on my own blog, and…I remember exactly why. To hear I’m not alone. I love social media and I also hate it because seeing everyone’s statuses squealing about getting promotions or getting the coolest job ever, Instagram pictures that feature the hashtag “#engaged” and whatever, gets me reallll down in the dumps. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for everyone and when I comment ‘congrats! happy for you!’ I mean it (most times), but sheesh, I hate that their happiness/success makes me feel like shit about myself. I feel angry and saddened that (it appears) everyone is moving forward yet I am like a hamster on the wheel that never gets anywhere, forever chilling on the very bottom. Being grateful every day is not something that comes easily to me. Neither does self-acceptance (believe me we know, think longtime readers of this blog).

I was thinking today about how I always dwell on all the things that I’m not and all the things I don’t have, instead of all the things that I am and all the things that I do have. What brought this revelation on was when I was at the mechanic/neighbors picking up our plentiful packages [oh the holiday season], and one of the mechanics said to me, “I thought you should know that when your package came today, as so-and-so signed for it, he said ‘Oh good, that means Caitlyn will come by today.’ We all look forward to your appearances because you make us laugh.” I was so stunned/touched by this, I think I stuttered a thank you, resorted to my standby self-deprecating humor bout how that’s the first time I ever heard somebody say they were looking forward to seeing me, we all laughed, I walked away smiling and hadn’t stopped smiling since. Whenever I’m at the neighbors, I am just trying to not be my always awkward self, and I never thought what they might see or take out of the brief exchange because I always just assume my jokes are stupid, that they’re counting the seconds until that awkward neighbor leaves. I always see the worst. I think I’m awkward, I’m always going to be awkward, but that’s not what other people necessarily see. These neighbors don’t know how I see myself.

I pout too often about how I don’t like my weight right now, but I ignore the positive changes I have made.  I was staring at my grocery cart in the check-out line the other day and I couldn’t believe that it was my cart, full of stuff picked out by ME. Two years ago I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell you what egg whites were. Or why too much sodium was a problem. Or what almond milk was. Or what Greek yogurt was. and why it was different. Two years ago when I went to the grocery store, I completely ignored the perimeter of the grocery store. I never bought produce. Ever. I bought cookies, crackers, bagel bites, ice-cream, cheez-its, pop-tarts. All I drank was soda, alcohol and the occasional water with Crystal Light. I’m pretty confident that I never, ever, ever hit my suggested veggie intake. Now I fill my cart with egg whites, fat-free Greek yogurt, cranberries, spinach, bananas, strawberries, almonds, carrots. I think and care about things like my veggie intake everyday and make smoothies or small salads to accommodate if I realize it’s low. I pause to dwell on if I am drinking enough water – and sometimes, I even drink more water than recommended. I limit myself to one soda or one Crystal Light a week, and sometimes I go without them.

I get borderline depressed when I look at my bank account and remember how poor I am. But if I frame the situation another way,  I  feel proud that while my bank account doesn’t end with as many zero’s as I’d like it to, I’m living on my own in a new city, paying bills, and am still managing to save something.  When I moved to this city, I lived here for 4.5 months without any income. I’m proud that I managed to make it work and am still here making it work and learning about living on my own. I personally have a lot to learn about how to be an adult and live on my own.

Not only do I tend to have a distaste for where I am in my life and dwell on all the things that I’m presently not, I am guilty of pigeon-holing myself and accepting what I  let myself think I can never be. Make sense? Probably not. I know I hold myself back and don’t take chances because “well, obviously, that’s not for me, that’s for people cooler/more successful/more talented than me. I won’t be able to do that.” It’s sobering to realize I severely underestimate myself and cut myself off from fun things. Shouldn’t I be my own advocate? My biggest  cheerleader? It’s sad to realize I’m always my worst critic – and yes, I know I’m not alone in that. I’m training for a 12 miler in August (!!!!!) which I NEVER thought I’d do. Those kinds of things were obviously for runners only and I can never be a runner because .. hello..look at me, my name is Caitlyn, it’s not in my DNA, I suck at everything forever and ever amen. I’m still not 100% convinced I’ll be able to pull it off but I try to banish those thoughts and just focus on going a teensy bit further than I did yesterday.  I always thought it’d be so cool to be a half-marathoner but never pursued it because of who I thought I was and who I just accept that I am. Lazy, afraid, doomed, terrible at everything,hopeless. Yes, I’m lazy, but I can overcome that. Yes, I walked a nearly-20 minute mile in 7th grade and hated it every second, but why oh why still think about that 10 years later? It was a stupid grade school fitness test, it should have nothing to do with today, and the Caitlyn back then was most definitely not the Caitlyn of now. Thank God.

Really I get so angsty about how I’m not where I want to be, but I don’t stop to think about where I am, compared to where I  have been. Sure it’s not as fast and the results aren’t as sudden as I’d want them to be, but they are there. The littlest of results. Things – good things – will happen if I keep chugging along. Even if it feels like I’m getting nowhere. Good things are there. I just have to pay more attention and readjust what view I’m looking at.

Five Facts Friday, 2

I liked last weeks so much I’m doing it again. This works because a lot of times I have stupid things to share but don’t because blah that’s not worth a whole post and how do I tie it into the other stupid thing I feel compelled to put on the Internet because they don’t “go together” at all? I take things too seriously and I like this format. Plus, my love for alliteration makes sure I keep this somewhat short and weed out the really stupid anecdotes. So away we go.

 

1.  I still haven’t decided whether I like “fitness fund” or “muscle money” better which makes it really sad that the month is [practically] over.  I made myself $25. Yeah! I meant to take a picture of my wonderful jar full of dolla dolla bills y’all but I forgot and it’s at home and now I’m at work and I know you’re sad that I’m starting your weekend off by denying you such a joy. I don’t go to the gym on weekends usually because I like to go the one near my work, and not the one near my house, BUT my DVD player now works and last month I bought myself fitness DVDs that I’ve been doing on weekends so that’s why my number is so high. I liked this jar thing, except it took me  awhile to get going as I kept forgetting to put $1 in as I never have any cash on me so I had to keep writing “IOU” notes to myself. I think I am going to reward myself for all my hard work and go get a manicure or something. My nails are atrocious. I was drunk one night and saw how chipped they were and so I “filled them in” myself and it looks like a two year old did it. I’m embarrassing.

 

2. I’ve been talking about going to BodyCombat forever but I haven’t done it because the only time it was offered was inconvenient and got me to work too late. BUT…the location I go to is now offering it Wednesday nights! I am so, so, so excited. It goes to show that if you take absolutely no action and complain about it enough inside your head, things will happen. I think that’s the mantra they advocate in The Secret or something. It’s offered at night, which throws a wrench in my schedule because when you get off work at 3:30…and the class isn’t until 6…there’s not much to do. Refresher, as I live downtown, and work 25 minutes outside of the city and the gym location I like to go to is near work because it’s so much less crowded and the people are nicer. It makes no sense to go home, then drive back and get stuck in rush hour with all the commuters leaving the city. And the pool has closed so there goes that option. So I’m going to have to figure out my Tuesdays too because no way in hell am I giving up my fun Zumba and the adorable teacher.  I’m probably going to go to all of the wonderful shopping in the area [yay! uh oh?] or just make Sarah hang out with me. O hai gurl.

 

3. The Baltimore Grand Prix is this weekend and I can’t hear the sound of all the newspapers and all the interviews from city officials spouting off about how wonderful it is for Charm City’s PR and how lucky we are to be “chosen” and be in the spotlight over the reality of how effing inconvenient it is. They closed alllllll of downtown and it makes getting in or out of the city mission effing impossible. I loathe it with the passion of a thousand trillion suns. I hear Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy) is participating or something so the only way this is acceptable is if he finds me in my house and offers to give me a bunch of money he doesn’t want anymore. Otherwise, if anyone needs me I will be locked in my house this weekend with a pillow over my head [in an ideal world i would be asleep beneath it but], whispering “come and get me when it’s over!” Dramatic party of one? maybe,  but it really is the worst ever ever ever ever.

 

4. You know I love to read. It’s like my full-time job.  I made the mistake of reading Gone Girl [by Gillian Flynn] last year on a 5 hour car ride to New Hampshire to visit family friends, which in hindsight, was a terrible error. Because I was miserable all weekend, you know, being social and stuff with people we haven’t seen in years, when all I wanted to do was be left alone on my air mattress so I could readreadread and figure out what the hell was going on and how it would all end. I know people are “eh” about Gone Girl but I loved it because the plot [to my eyes] was so original and fresh, and I really had NO clue how it was going to end. Nada. SO…where is this going…I’ve been looking for a book similar to that and haven’t found any but my boss Sharon introduced me to Jeffery Deaver and the Lincoln Rhyme series. I am obsessed. I’ve torn through 7 of them, and they are lengthy. This is a blaring signal that I need a life. My two favorites are “The Vanished Man” and “The Cold Moon”. Buy them. It’s not the kind of series where you need to read them all or even read them in order. You think you know what is going to happen, then you’re wrong and you think this is going to happen, then you’re wrong, then you think oh! I’ve got it! THIS is totally going to happen, then you’re wrong, then you think okay the book is almost over this is totally how it’s going to happen and you’re fifty shades of wrong.  Then the end comes and you’re still surprised. So….get them.

 

5. Al, the maintenance man who works in our office building is the cheeriest, nicest guy ever. When I started at this job, he asked me my name and I said, of course, “Caitlyn” and he nodded, and said okay. He then started addressing me as “Hey Hayden!” At first I assumed I had heard him incorrectly because I spent my teenage years blaring my i-pod on the loudest possible headphone settings and my hearing ain’t so gewd. Then by time I realized no, he really is saying Hayden, I didn’t know how to politely correct him because though I am awkward, I do try to at least be polite.  So for months, he’s called me Hayden whenever he sees me. I figured it wasn’t a huge deal if some man I see every other day or so calls me by the wrong name.  Then on Wednesday I’m waiting for the elevator with my company president, and of course, who walks up but Al. “Hey, Boss man! Hey Hayden!” He sings out. I turn scarlet red and suddenly develop an intense interest in counting the dots on the ceiling tiles. The president turns to me and says “Hayden??? Really, CAITLYN? You are something else.” He chuckles for a long time. I sheepishly turn to the maintenance guy and I’m like “I’m so sorry I didn’t know how to correct you!!!” Al thought it was hilarious that I let him call me the wrong name for so long. I was mortified. I feel really bad. I wasn’t trying to be deceitful or anything (although I do like giving out fake names at bars). Blah. I haven’t seen the company president since but I am really hoping this doesn’t turn into some kind of inside joke where he  calls me Hayden. Le sigh.

Hear Me Roar

Oh, hey.

boy meets world make it stop

I took a quick vacay from blogging because shooooot I was just worn down. I reactivated Facebook so I’m sucked back into that hole of ‘WILL EVERYONE PLEASE STOP GETTING ENGAGED DECEMBER 21 2012 HAS PASSED THE MAYANS WERE WRONG’, there’s Twitter to make sure everyone knows allllllllll of my opinions on my terrible TV shows, Pinterest to live vicariously through, Instagram which I’m tryingtryingtrying to be better at, and blah. Also work is starting to pick up, and I usually hammer out a post before I get started working and chip away at reading blogs in spare moments… and I just got bogged down and overwhelmed and the club can’t even handle me right now.

betty

That last sentence I typed was a lie. I’ve been going out on weekends with Jenna, the girl from work who I used to swear hated me. Will wonders never cease? Reading my old posts and man..even knowing that in books/movies, the girl character that is ice cold and kinda bitchy to the heroine/narrator is either a) really an icy cold bitch and becomes the mortal enemy to our fair heroine or b) not really ice cold and bitchy it was all a misunderstanding  then they team up, I would have sworn B would never happen with us co-verkers, but here we are, stumbling around the streets laughing about too many vodka/sprites. Is my social life actually on the upswing? Stay tuned for this new development because painful detail is my thing.

shine bright

new motivational sign on cubicle.

The new girl, Alex, who shares my cubicle has the exact same humor as me and so we’re laughing, joking around, talking obsessively about Bravo shows (and what a douchebag Ryan Culberson is on Real Housewives of OC because any 20 something MARINE who gets in a sweet and gracious 64 year old’s face ,an invited guest of your mother-in-law, for no reason deserves to be punched in the face over and over and over SIGH makes me so mad and did that make any sense? no), sending Buzzfeed articles back and forth with subject lines that say things like “Sales meeting prep”, all day long. My boss Sharon and I have such a stellar relationship, she is forever telling the company leadership what a great job I’m doing (puh-leez give me a raise), gives me a lot of freedom with important projects and has so much trust in me,  and we also talk about Bravo shows and what a douchebag Ryan Culberson is and she brings me in books which of course makes her one of my favorite people.

tina piza

I think I have mentioned it but I’m competing in the “Biggest Loser” at work where we weigh in weekly. There’s an overall Loser Winner, who loses the most weight throughout the competition. There’s also weekly rankings for the person who loses the most each week. For the first two weeks, yours truly was dead last.  I’m pretty sure every time I personally was in last it was because I gained weight. Then I won the next two weeks. And was middle of the pack rest of the weeks. Won another week. Once again on the bottom last week. One of the other ‘losers’ said to me ‘Wow, Caitlyn, you sure are a compelling competitor. I can never predict what you do every week!’ Haha. That may sound mean, but she’s the nicest lady and it is kind of funny. The other contestants are all consistent-ish and then there’s hurricane Caitlyn. Up 2 pounds, down 3 pounds, up 2 pounds, down .5 a pound. I am so consistent in my inconsistency. It’s a rare talent.  The competition is halfway over and I’m hoping I can string together a good run. Right now I’m in 4th, which is more impressive than it sounds, considering 7 people are competing.

zombies dotn text

Does anyone watch Pretty Little Liars? I’m watching it on my computer as I write this. This show has so jumped the shark. I used to OBSESS about this show and talk conspiracy theories until the cows came home but now can barely muster up any interest anymore and there’s a whole new crop of creeps I do not care about. Also, if anyone wants to join me in my ‘Aria & Ezra a blackhole of suck’ camp where we sit around and don’t care about Ezria and angrily tweet show producers demanding answers (that I have yet to receive) about why “A” has never, ever done anything to Aria while the other 3 girls are repeatedly put through hell, I’m over here to the left.  Oh you stupid show, I wish I could quit you.

homer treadmill

I finally figured out, with the help of my college roommate Rachel, why my DVD player wasn’t working. It is now set up and I just got Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and another one of hers I can’t remember. I’m terrified/excited/clinging to relief that SHE CAN’T SEE ME.

iti s law

Someday when I have my own company, I am going to implement a policy where we allot employees with “not in the mood” days. Not in the mood days are when your alarm goes off and you just cannot haul yourself out of bed,  when your alarm goes off and it’s raining (aka it should be illegal to have to get OUT of bed), when you just want to stay in bed and watch Law & Order: SVU marathons all day, or when you are not in the mood to leave your house. For me that’s like everyday but all good things in moderation.

Let’s take a road trip and go here. I may or may not have teared up. THIS GUY IS THE GREATEST.

1 .bagel bites or pizza rolls? i like both, but am staunchly team bagel bites fo life.

2. what places do you want to visit? i have a lot. atlanta (meg & rebekah, i’m coming). miami, hawaii (obv), pittsburgh, san fran (i need to see the full house house), nashville, vegas, nawleans. don’t even get me started on international places.

3. fave fitness DVD?

*the post title is homage to katy perry’s new song which i can not and will not take off repeat. super annoying lyric video ahead.

Looking For: Passion

Hi, my name is Caitlyn and I’m looking for some passion in my life.

Sorry. Got my new Match.com profile mixed up with blog post.

I ran into a current student from my alma mater yesterday downtown, and as we were talking, of course the “what do you do?” question came up. I told her, oh I do marketing at a publishing company, I like it, it’s good, blah blah.

She replied “I hope I can be as lucky as you and find something I’m passionate about when I start looking for jobs next year.”

In reply, I think I stood there and blinked at her. Maybe I was on auto-pilot and managed enough to nod. I would be impressed if I managed an all-knowing ‘mmmhmm.’

Passionate? Where oh where did she get passionate from?

The whole walk home I was turning over that word in my head. Why does she think I am passionate? I told her I liked my job. Does liking my job automatically equal passion? Am I actually passionate about it? I didn’t think so. I still don’t think so. I like that we publish books that help people with disabilities and the teachers and professionals who work with them. I like that. Maybe I’m passionate about that aspect of it? I don’t know.  I LIKE marketing, but I wouldn’t ever say I’m passionate about it.

Clearly she doesn’t know what passionate means. But maybe I don’t, either.

Thank God for the trusty I-phone so I didn’t have to wait a single minute to pull up Merriam-Webster.

Definition of PASSIONATE

a : capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling

b : enthusiasticardent

I guess that makes sense.

 

So of course, naturally I thought well what would I say I am passionate about.

Crickets.

I love to read. Thank God, there’s one.

What else…?

Fine, enough about me, let’s look at other people.

I asked my roommates what they were passionate about.

Dana said service even though she hasn’t done a lot of it since graduation. Colleen said Netflix. They both agreed that they were not passionate about their jobs, which made me feel better.

I asked my mom what she thought I was passionate about. She said: reading, spending money when I should be saving and Bravo shows. I asked my 19 year old sister what she thought passion meant.

“It’s what gets you out of bed in the morning.”

That was another way to look at it. But really what gets me out of bed in the morning is the fact that I have to get up.  It’s not an option like it was in college (it shouldn’t have been an option in college, but…..it was, heh). As much as I’d love to, I can’t lie in bed all day and then putter around my room in my sweatpants and T-shirts.

Right now what gets me out of bed in the morning is that I am paying for a gym and I am – finally – motivated for the first time in my life to lose weight and get in shape.

It’s motivation, but is it passion? I don’t think so, but I don’t really know.

I am actually really looking forward to trying more workouts and exercises. Before, I was monogamous with the treadmill. I *hope* fitness and exercise becomes a passion, but it might not and that’s okay. I don’t think it needs to. I’ll keep doing it anyway. Which brings up yet another question, can you MAKE something be a passion? Prowling around Google land seems to say “no”.

So.many.questions. So.many.different.opinions.

But yet, I still don’t really know what I am passionate about. At 23-years-old-and-361-days, should I?

All I know is….

KIM LOVES TURTLES

  1. How do you define “passion” or “passionate”
  2. What are you passionate about?
  3. Is it necessary to be passionate about your job? Or just an extra perk?

*kidding about match.com.

A Day in the Life

This probably going to come back to embarrass me that I made this a link-up but I love reading day in the life posts so much (not lying) but then I realized most people probably don’t find them as interesting as I do. I reaaallllllllly love other peoples’ lives and a play-by-play, what can I say. Maybe I should have been an archaeologist. So because I clearly hate everyone who reads this blog, here is mine. It’s probably good material to crawl into bed with at night to help you fall asleep. I’m even more boring that previously thought. Who knew.

3:55 a.m: Sleep cycle app alarm goes off. This is supposedly when I’m in my lightest sleep cycle. Ignore.

4:04: Second alarm goes off. Ignore.

4:08: Third alarm goes off. Ignore.

4:11: Look at my sleep cycle app chart. Sleepily note that I had an okay night sleep. Don’t care.

4:15: Admit defeat.

4:16: Vertical and hating it.

4:17: Mentally pat myself on the back for being soooooooooo on top of things and sleeping in my work-out clothes and packing my work bag the night before.

4:22: Stumble downstairs sounding like an elephant stomping through my silent sleeping house.

4:26: On the road. Bask in the glory of the absence of other drivers. Pout as I hit every red light. Speed when I’m not at every red light because I like to live dangerously.

4:47: Pull into Dunkin Donuts. Hope that the old lady is working because she is so nice and always gives me a free munchkin.

4:48: Discover that the sweet old lady is not working. Order my small mint chocolate chip iced coffee (no cream or sugar) and rejoice when I remember this is cheaper than Starbucks. Put coffee in the cupholder and ignore until after workout.

4:51: Arrive at gym. Stand at the door with other gymgoers, who all happen to be middle-aged and male, waiting for the gym to open.

merritt

5:00: They unlock gym door. The men, as is our routine, hold open door for me and stand aside to let me in first. Chivalry is not too dead. I can officially pronounce that 4 days a week I really am “the first one in the gym!” Nice men not pictured.

5:03: Enter the cardio cinema .

j law

the hunger games was on!

5:06-5:48: Treadmill. Hate life. Debate quitting every 20 seconds even while I am doing the walking portion.

5:51- 6:04: Shower. Wonder how much money I am saving myself and my 3 roommates by showering at the gym 4-5 days a week.

6:06: Feel relieved upon discovering that I managed to pack all critical parts of my work outfit. Get dressed. Blow-dry hair until it is ¾ dry because I do not have patience to fully dry it. Put on make-up.

6:32: Exit gym.

6:39: Pull into work parking garage.

6:42: The woman (I think she’s homeless) who sits all day outside my office building addresses me as “princess” for what might be the 8th time in a row. For the eighth day in a row, ponder how exactly I should take that. What is being insinuated?

6:46: Enter office suite (3rd to arrive if you were wondering, you probably weren’t) and sit at Cubicle.

6:47: Feel a little embarrassed that I have not cleaned my desk yet even though I’ve been vowing to for weeks.

6:50: Read blogs (WIAW day is always a good one) and surf the Internet mindlessly.

7:17: Talk to my mom via telephone.

7:27: Eat breakfast and drink coffee despite not really liking it at all. But I need it so I gulp it down anyway.

7:28: Start working. Debate changing out of sneakers (I cantwont drive in heels) into my heels but realize I probably won’t see anyone for another few hours so it doesn’t matter yet.

7:29: Decide I don’t hate you THAT much as to bore you with (believe it or not, even more mundane) details of my work day.

7:30-12:30: Fight off the lazy fairy and am somewhat productive. Realize I haven’t changed out of sneakers yet.

12:30-1:00 Lunch.

1:45: Co-worker sends e-mail about free salads. Free anything is right up my alley.

1:46 I take two.

3:42: Leave work. My commute is never bad but that will never stop me from complaining. I hate driving.

4:08: Arrive home. Mindlessly attempt to unlock house door using office key. Am not successful.

4:12: Wash lunch dishes and prepare the next day’s lunch.

4:16: Hunt for Tupperware with a matching lid.

4:20: Finally. Matching lid.

4:21: Get changed. Back downstairs to microwave dinner.

4:26: Back upstairs with dinner. Read blogs. Surf Internet mindlessly. Eat dinner.

4:49: Do this Tone It Up workout.

5:36: Hate it and love it.

5:37: Repaint nails where they started to chip.

5:40: Watch Friends then King of Queens on TBS. Wish Big Bang Theory was on.

5:45: Debate cleaning and doing laundry. Decide against it.

5:46: Resolve to do it tomorrow. And that is a PROMISE.

5:47: Realize I have promised this for last few days.

6:45: I really should clean. Fine. I hastily run a Chlorox wipe around the bathroom sink.

7:04: Pack gym bag. Surf Internet mindlessly. Affirm how boring my life is now that I am actually thinking about it in increments. Vow to never put you through this again.

7:16: Shuffle piles of clothes and other random weird things from center of floor to the side. Cheerfully contemplate how much better it looks now.

8:06: Realize I should get in bed.

8:33: Get in bed. Marvel that yep, I really do get in bed at this hour now. It feels unnatural. Read or watch TV.

8:57: Turn out light.

8:58-9:50-ish: Toss and turn. Fall asleep eventually.

Is there a most boring life award I can nominate myself for? God I didn’t even try to make myself sound exciting.

Okay fine, pull my arm, I actually made it a link-up (click below) just in case anyone read this SUPER EXCITING day and decided to chronicle their own. I’d love it if you did! Chronicle it all in pictures if you want. If you’ve already written one before, link it! Or link if you want in the future when you have a day you want to chronicle. Maybe your exciting life will be enough to convince me to do something with my own. If you do decide to participate (please), just link back here. thanks for feeding my addiction and sharing your days.

grease

The link-up is weird because wordpress.COM really hates inlinkz. blergh. click below.



When It’s Not Working

You have to be able to admit when it’s just not working. I’m not always terrific at this. I do not adjust well when things have to change. Situations involving other people or plans other people made? Sure. No problem. Things happen. It’s not just about me. I’m all good and can roll with the punches. But plans that I made that only involve me? Difficult. I’m such a planner and think through every detail and get so committed to and excited by the plan, that when it doesn’t work, I pout over the demise of my carefully constructed plans and adjust poorly. But alas, here I am with this long pitiful post.

For all my big effort late last week, as described in this post, I had a horribly unproductive — yup, againnnnnnnnnn– running training this week. We got snow Monday (c’mon Mother Nature, BE ON MY SIDE) so I didn’t run then. I got up to run on Tuesday but the college track I run at was a sheet of ice. I would have just given up normally, so it’s actually an improvement that I attempted to run a route near work but was quickly met with construction (complete with leering crew members, so creepy) shutting down the one route I was familiar with. Then, I gave up, making the resolve that I’d have to start running in the afternoons around my city and get over the fact that people might see me in my huffing and puffing, embarrassing state.

“It’s so self-centered that you think everyone you pass will care that you’re running,” I thought, “How many runners do you drive past? You don’t usually ever have a reaction to them. Why oh why are you so concerned that a stranger you’re going to see for .5 seconds in your life might be laughing at you in their head? WHY DO YOU CARE? You don’t know them. 99.999% chance they won’t even think about you or care or laugh. Relax, self, relax.”

So I decided I’d suck it up and run after work. Then my cousin, who I was supposed to have dinner with the next night, called and asked if we could reschedule and do it that night and could I meet her in half hour. Fiiiiiiine. So I went and spend four hours with my cousin, lots of beer, an appetizer of nachos and then a dinner of burger and fries, instead of running. Wonderful.

I got home from dinner and — blame it on the ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol — cried. I was so frustrated and disappointed in myself. For once in my life, I was trying not to slip back into my ugly habits of being stupendously lazy and unmotivated and clinging to each and every excuse I found. I know how all of this, plus my past posts, sound. But I realllly was trying. Maybe not as much as I should have been. But the weather, my schedule, horrible sleeping habits, it being so dark out when I want to run, my dumb fear of strange people laughing at me if I ran in the afternoon, basically everything under the non-existent sun,  just was not working in my favor.

I know a lot of it IS me. I’m still making excuses. And that maybe I’m not where I need to be mentally yet because of my fear of being laughed at or mocked.

For example, no one I’m acquainted with in real life knows I’m starting to run. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone because I was wary of failure (haaa). I didn’t want to start, then have to give up and be forced to embarrassingly answer questions of “How’s the running going?”

And, as we all know, I have major self-confidence issues. And not only do I worry about what they are saying aloud, I worry more about what their thinking, and what they might gleefully tell their friends (who I doubt care, but I envision that it’s probably funny news). I imagine all the bad things they might possibly think.

Upon hearing the news I’m starting to run..

“That’s awesome! Good for you!” (their internal commentary: I wish I could see this! Watching her try to run is probably hilarious)

“Whoa, good for you!” (their internal commentary: if I looked like that, I would have started to run a loooooooooong time ago)

Then, you know, as they see me throughout the weeks…

“How’s the running going?” (their internal commentary: she’s totally given up by now)

“How long do you go for?” (their internal commentary: wow. Notice how proudly she said that? And that’s ALL she did? Pathetic)

“We should go running together sometime!” (their internal commentary: so I can see this freakshow in action!”

 Yup. 

So after a lot of thinking, I joined a gym.

When I came to the realization that this would be best at this point in time, I felt excited and rejuvenated. But a little sad and disappointed. I felt like I was cheating the whole learning how to run thing and that it wouldn’t count, for some reason. But that’s wrong thinking and will get me nowhere. It’s not even a setback. It’s Plan B.

Um, Caitlyn, you whine allllllll the time about how your salary is next-to-nothing, can’t afford a gym, and all that jazz. The whole reason you decided to start running was because it was cheap and you could just lace up those sneaks and hit the open road.  Oh and also because Color Run is coming to town and sounded fun.

All still true.

But something needed to change. Lacing up and hitting the open road on my own wasn’t working for me at this point in time. I still have dreams of just lacing up and hitting the open road. Especially once the weather gets better, you better believe I am so looking forward to those days!  I really just picked a horrible time to start training outside. The timing for that training plan now is just not right. And I still am signed up for a 5K in 7 weeks that I desperately need to start training for.  That’s the priority for right now. Doing whatever I have to insure that I’m prepared (in a healthy way) to run the whole 5K. With the race looming ever closer, it’s past the point of hoping and waiting for spring weather and other things. I needed to accept what I wanted to do wasn’t working. And I needed to reroute and figure out what would work for me.

While I do have a problem with motivation and accountability, the one thing that always motivates me and keeps me accountable is…money. As is true for 95% (probably more) of people. If I’m paying for a gym membership, I will actually go. Because it’s coming out of MY pocket each month and I need to justify that the expense is worth it and feel like I’m getting my money worth. When I’m just going on my own  with no costs whatsoever, it’s harder for me to get out of bed than it is when I’m paying dearly for it every month.

Thanks to tracking and budgeting my money with help of an app, I realized I actually can swing the $69/month gym membership that I always assumed I couldn’t.

The gym also deletes my “figuring out where to run” problem because A) I don’t need to figure out a route and B) they have many locations, all of which I can go to if I’m a member. They have a location 1 mile from my house that two of my roommates go to. They have a location 10 minutes from my house downtown, that I drive by on my way to work, and is open 24/7. They have a location 7 minutes from my work. And while the other 2 locations I just mentioned aren’t 24/7, all open at 5 AM which is perfect. The one near my office has a “cardiac cinema”. It’s a big room with treadmills and bikes where all the lights are off and a movie continuously plays on a big-screen. I can run despite this horrible out of shape stage I’m in and nobody will see me, haha 🙂 By joining the gym, though, I’m hoping it will eliminate the logistics problems my running has been facing and I’m also hoping I will just get over my fear of people possibly laughing at the pathetic shape I’m in and possibly thinking watching me exercise is hilarioussss since I’m so out of shape.

Now..what does this have to do with running and training?

I’m going to treadmill it. I know I’ll need to run outside eventually since treadmill is drastically different from the street. And maybe by then, I’ll be a decent-ish runner and won’t be nervous I’m being laughed at (again, such a ridiculous fear). I’m also pretty sure I’ll be “5K-ready” faster this way because I know I’ll be going to the gym more, bad weather or not!

So. I’m VERY hopeful & excited. I’m still motivated to learn how to run and all that. I actually think this will be a really, really good thing for my running training and just jump-starting my weight loss.

And maybe I’ll even make friends?

Blah, this is a horrible post. And unnecessarily long when it can be surmised in two sentences: Realized I needed more help than I thought. So I joined a gym. Stick with me kids, I promise I’m going somewhere. Eventually.

The End.

Yet, it’s also kinda The Beginning.

FF