And I’m Here….Again.

I’ve been the worst blogger in all of the land and sorry. Work has been crazy and I’ve lost any pretend grasp of control of my life. BUT…I can’t just blame work as much as I would absolutely love to. I’ve, uh, been avoiding the blog kind of because … yeah.

For my roommate Molly’s wedding, all I wanted to do was show up looking thin and toned. I knew about her wedding for months [years, even], so anytime I reverted back to my horrible, junk food eating habits, I’d stand back up and brush it off and resolve that I had to get my act together for Molly’s wedding. Yet somehow, three days before her wedding, I found myself in the same situation I’ve been finding myself in for years. Sitting in a dressing room with horrendously critical lighting surrounded by dresses, wearing one that I couldn’t zip up, fighting back tears. Except only this time, thank God, my mom wasn’t outside the door. Here I was back at my normal size and I HATED how everything looked. How was I here again? After all my months of trying so hard, here I was AGAIN. It felt like I hadn’t even made any progress because I just looked the same. All I had wanted to do was show up at the wedding 10-15 pounds lighter and barring a miracle, that wasn’t going to happen. I pulled myself together somewhat and bought a dress I didn’t like that much because it was the only one I thought looked kind of okay.

On the ride home, I felt so frustrated. I felt so sad. I felt so disappointed. And my mom called. My car has a speaker phone thing in it so there’s no getting around it. I was weak and answered. She noted I sounded down and so I told her I didn’t like my dress. She translated accordingly [why do moms know everything?] and sighed. “Caitlyn…you know…don’t get mad at me, I know you’ll get mad at me but….for as long as you have been working at this, you should be 80 pounds by now.” I snapped and told her if I were 80 pounds I’d probably be dead, and then hung up. I’ve been dragging my family along [and everyone via this blog] for months on some great, wonderful, weight loss journey of self-discovery and here I was. With nothing to show for it except for now I know how to microwave egg whites and that I like Trader Joes balsamic dressing. Whoopie.

Sure, I overslept for Body Pump a few times, or missed it because I was working, or just because I didn’t feel like going or I had groceries in my car and didn’t go to the gym because I didn’t want to let them sit. I’m so good at letting myself off the hook and think ‘Oh I’ll get ‘em tomorrow.’ Or I haven’t been 100% committed to healthy eating even though…

Abs are made in the kitchen

 

I let myself off the hook too easily with an unhealthy snack or a binge session because oh hey! I ate salads and oatmeal and apples yesterday..I’m good! Can’t I ‘cash in’ on yesterday’s success? I knew when I started this whole thing that one of my problems is that I’m lazy, have a hard time committing to things and staying motivated. I like to run when things get hard and never be forced to face it.

This whole healthy living thing isn’t easy and it takes time. I knew that going in. But that’s not an excuse. I should absolutely have more to show by now. It’s horrendously embarrassing to have somehow lost any momentum and have come to a sputtering stop trying to figure out how I keep winding up here.

And that, friends, is one of the reasons I’ve been semi-absent. Pride. Embarrassment. I debated deleting the blog because who wants to keep writing stupid, whiny, pitiful posts by a girl who can’t figure it out and put it together? At this horrendous rate I’m going, it’ll be 5 years before I lose 10 pounds and keep it off for longer than a month. But then I remembered how much I like you guys sooooo….blame yourselves. 🙂

Where do I go from here?…I’d claim it was rock bottom but I still apparently have enough self-control to pull back the reigns on the dramatic effect…I don’t know. I can’t feel any lower about all my attempts than I did over the last three-ish weeks. I guess it’s ‘New Resolve’ version 9.0. And what’s the saying, can only go up from here? I sure as hell hope so.

 

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Caitlyn Combat

I honestly don’t even know what to say (cue the ‘so why say anything at all?’). Last night was my first Les Mills body combat class and “butt kicking” even seems too tame to describe it.

For some reason, my gym didn’t see fit to advertise the classes that well, so there were only other three people there. I was excited for the class because I have wanted to try BodyCombat for a while, and because this was the first class my favorite gym location was offering so I knew everyone else would be new to it, for the most part, as well. Not so. The other three people had all taken classes off and on for the past year. Sigh. Here we go again, I thought. I think I should just accept I’ll always be the worst person in the classe.

We were halfway through track 1 and I was already huffing and puffing. I had to stop looking at myself in the mirror because I would start to giggle at how funny I looked, just flinging weak punches at the air. I also received yet another generous reminder that I am horribly uncoordinated. Chris, the instructor, probably thought I had been bedridden for the last two decades and that it was my first day ever in the outside world. I was so behind on the choreography. Even if my life had depended on it, I could not have figured out the counts. At one point, when we were punching like crazy, my two fists knocked into each other which I thought was hilarious yet undeniably pathetic. Great showing of teamwork there, by my brain and my hands.

I also learned that I am a visual learner. The instructor facing us is always helpful for the most part, but at some points when we were doing 1/4 turns then jumps then 1/2 turns the other way then a combo of high kicks and low kicks, I wish he would have had his back to us so I could see what the heck my feet and arms were supposed to be doing and which way and which angle because my brain could not figure out how to make my body do it.

Chris kept yelling at us to think of our enemies and who we hate and want to punch. I couldn’t think of anyone. My best guesses were Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian. At a water break, one of the girls remarked to her friend that she was thinking of the leaders in Syria. I was all “….ohhhh…” I guess that’s a good one to think of, too. Haha. Jeez.

At the end, Chris announced that we just burned between 750-800 calories (!) and the class was the equivalent of 1,000+ crunches. I was all but slumped over thinking I would have preferred the crunches because at least then I would have just been able to be splayed out on the floor the whole time. But now that I’m of sane mind [well, as sane as my mind can be], I know I had fun. Chris said it would take us 4 or 5 classes to get the hang of choreography. I’m just glad that the first class is over with because I can only get better after that disastrous performance.

After class was over, I went to my car and just sat there, trying to process what the hell had just happened. I was so spent, I was thinking I probably shouldn’t operate machinery. And I’m super sore today. But…I can’t wait to go back.

The Road I’m On

I was thinking the other night about how happy I am when I go to the gym and that I work out. Weird. Have I fallen in love with fitness? I’m not sure I’d call it love yet, but right now, it’s definitely infatuation.  All I know is we’re in it for the long haul. Fitness has been trying to court me forever, and I’ve brushed it off with lame excuses that are the equivalent of “I can’t..I have to wash my hair” or flirting with it briefly then never calling it for months and months and diving out of the way when I see it on the street.  We’re going to have our highs and lows throughout the decades and I’m probably going to hate it and behave like a bratty Taylor Swift toward it from time to time. Lately, though, I’m starting to feel as if I’m getting in the groove.

I never was someone who liked working out. In college I’d take my Kindle to the gym and sit on an exercise bike going the slowest possible speed and would read.  Or I’d just go for long, slow walks on the most isolated part of campus when the gym was too crowded so I could be alone with my thoughts and my cheesy bad pop music on my I-pod. I never would attempt to work out very hard. I didn’t like how red my face got if I tried too hard. So unattractive. Of course another factor was that I was in such bad shape with virtually zero stamina so why would I want to embarrass myself and flaunt my pathetic status in front of my classmates? I didn’t like my body and knew I had to work out and eat better, but I had no interest in it. I didn’t want to try and set myself up for embarrassment or failure. I have a hard time sticking with things when they’re hard and give up on myself pretty quickly.

But after  starting a new chapter when I moved to a new city, I realized I was sick of coasting and so easily accepting that I was: overweight, not in shape, weak,  a horrible eater and resentful. I was too young to give up and just slot myself into the role of a person I didn’t want to be. I had such an opportunity for a fun life in my new city, I could start over here. I could be happy here. So I started a blog about it (my condolences to the Internet).

My fitness journey for the few months has found me going to a class or just ducking into the cardio cinema and doing strictly treadmill or elliptical because I didn’t know what else to do at the gym. But lately I have been hanging out in the private training area. It’s very isolated and I get to try out new circuits without feeling self-conscious or like everyone is silently mocking my slowness or noting that my arms start shaking 5 seconds after I get into a plank. I’ve had so much fun playing around on Pinterest and finding work-outs to do. I’ll find them the night before, save the pin to my camera roll on my phone, then watch a Youtube video on how to perform a certain move.  I, of course, forget how to perform that move when I actually get to the gym. BUT…I get really sweaty, have fun (will wonders never cease?) and afterward feel like the cat that swallowed the canary. The red face I used to dread is now worn as a badge of honor, of sorts. Like, yep, I worked out hard people. 

I love feeling my heart beat faster and the beads of sweat. I love getting my body moving. After years of only fueling it with poor nutrition, I love knowing I’m finally taking care of it.

apartment-house-quote

 

image from fellow bmore blend, kate. I LOVE THIS QUOTE. #hitshome 

Over the last few months, I’ve tried a lot of new things. I’m not particularly adventurous and am very intimidated at the idea of new things. Remember it took me two months to work up the nerve to go to Body Pump? And I LOVE it. I’ve tried CXWORX, which I liked even though I made a fool of myself, and I really look forward to definitely seeing improvement as I get stronger and not having such a hard time with the ONE piece of equipment the class uses [sigh]. Also I ran two 5ks.

I’m so glad I found  Brian, the Zumba instructor at the gym, and that I have such a good time at his class. I love that I can kinda run a little now- granted, it’s still pathetic and I’m slower than molasses, red-faced, panting, dying, cursing with my last breaths, etc., but I can do it. And I do do it. Slowly I’m learning to let myself revel in the fact that I do it, and not pay attention to how much faster everyone else is or how much longer they can go for, because just the fact that I am going at all is wonderful.  I love that I have the Bmore Blends and that we’re plotting out fun workouts. I love that I’m get to try classes like Body Combat but I especially love how gleeful I am  about trying these classes.

It’s also dizzily exciting how much I am looking forward to trying things out: I’m determined to compete in a half marathon sometime in the next 18-ish months. I want to try CrossFit. I want to try the bootcamp type classes my gym offers that right now I’m still too scared to attend.  And whatever else I decide I want to do.  It’s truly amazing that I now look forward to fitness classes and going to the gym.  I’m excited for all that’s ahead and working toward it.

Five Facts Friday, 2

I liked last weeks so much I’m doing it again. This works because a lot of times I have stupid things to share but don’t because blah that’s not worth a whole post and how do I tie it into the other stupid thing I feel compelled to put on the Internet because they don’t “go together” at all? I take things too seriously and I like this format. Plus, my love for alliteration makes sure I keep this somewhat short and weed out the really stupid anecdotes. So away we go.

 

1.  I still haven’t decided whether I like “fitness fund” or “muscle money” better which makes it really sad that the month is [practically] over.  I made myself $25. Yeah! I meant to take a picture of my wonderful jar full of dolla dolla bills y’all but I forgot and it’s at home and now I’m at work and I know you’re sad that I’m starting your weekend off by denying you such a joy. I don’t go to the gym on weekends usually because I like to go the one near my work, and not the one near my house, BUT my DVD player now works and last month I bought myself fitness DVDs that I’ve been doing on weekends so that’s why my number is so high. I liked this jar thing, except it took me  awhile to get going as I kept forgetting to put $1 in as I never have any cash on me so I had to keep writing “IOU” notes to myself. I think I am going to reward myself for all my hard work and go get a manicure or something. My nails are atrocious. I was drunk one night and saw how chipped they were and so I “filled them in” myself and it looks like a two year old did it. I’m embarrassing.

 

2. I’ve been talking about going to BodyCombat forever but I haven’t done it because the only time it was offered was inconvenient and got me to work too late. BUT…the location I go to is now offering it Wednesday nights! I am so, so, so excited. It goes to show that if you take absolutely no action and complain about it enough inside your head, things will happen. I think that’s the mantra they advocate in The Secret or something. It’s offered at night, which throws a wrench in my schedule because when you get off work at 3:30…and the class isn’t until 6…there’s not much to do. Refresher, as I live downtown, and work 25 minutes outside of the city and the gym location I like to go to is near work because it’s so much less crowded and the people are nicer. It makes no sense to go home, then drive back and get stuck in rush hour with all the commuters leaving the city. And the pool has closed so there goes that option. So I’m going to have to figure out my Tuesdays too because no way in hell am I giving up my fun Zumba and the adorable teacher.  I’m probably going to go to all of the wonderful shopping in the area [yay! uh oh?] or just make Sarah hang out with me. O hai gurl.

 

3. The Baltimore Grand Prix is this weekend and I can’t hear the sound of all the newspapers and all the interviews from city officials spouting off about how wonderful it is for Charm City’s PR and how lucky we are to be “chosen” and be in the spotlight over the reality of how effing inconvenient it is. They closed alllllll of downtown and it makes getting in or out of the city mission effing impossible. I loathe it with the passion of a thousand trillion suns. I hear Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy) is participating or something so the only way this is acceptable is if he finds me in my house and offers to give me a bunch of money he doesn’t want anymore. Otherwise, if anyone needs me I will be locked in my house this weekend with a pillow over my head [in an ideal world i would be asleep beneath it but], whispering “come and get me when it’s over!” Dramatic party of one? maybe,  but it really is the worst ever ever ever ever.

 

4. You know I love to read. It’s like my full-time job.  I made the mistake of reading Gone Girl [by Gillian Flynn] last year on a 5 hour car ride to New Hampshire to visit family friends, which in hindsight, was a terrible error. Because I was miserable all weekend, you know, being social and stuff with people we haven’t seen in years, when all I wanted to do was be left alone on my air mattress so I could readreadread and figure out what the hell was going on and how it would all end. I know people are “eh” about Gone Girl but I loved it because the plot [to my eyes] was so original and fresh, and I really had NO clue how it was going to end. Nada. SO…where is this going…I’ve been looking for a book similar to that and haven’t found any but my boss Sharon introduced me to Jeffery Deaver and the Lincoln Rhyme series. I am obsessed. I’ve torn through 7 of them, and they are lengthy. This is a blaring signal that I need a life. My two favorites are “The Vanished Man” and “The Cold Moon”. Buy them. It’s not the kind of series where you need to read them all or even read them in order. You think you know what is going to happen, then you’re wrong and you think this is going to happen, then you’re wrong, then you think oh! I’ve got it! THIS is totally going to happen, then you’re wrong, then you think okay the book is almost over this is totally how it’s going to happen and you’re fifty shades of wrong.  Then the end comes and you’re still surprised. So….get them.

 

5. Al, the maintenance man who works in our office building is the cheeriest, nicest guy ever. When I started at this job, he asked me my name and I said, of course, “Caitlyn” and he nodded, and said okay. He then started addressing me as “Hey Hayden!” At first I assumed I had heard him incorrectly because I spent my teenage years blaring my i-pod on the loudest possible headphone settings and my hearing ain’t so gewd. Then by time I realized no, he really is saying Hayden, I didn’t know how to politely correct him because though I am awkward, I do try to at least be polite.  So for months, he’s called me Hayden whenever he sees me. I figured it wasn’t a huge deal if some man I see every other day or so calls me by the wrong name.  Then on Wednesday I’m waiting for the elevator with my company president, and of course, who walks up but Al. “Hey, Boss man! Hey Hayden!” He sings out. I turn scarlet red and suddenly develop an intense interest in counting the dots on the ceiling tiles. The president turns to me and says “Hayden??? Really, CAITLYN? You are something else.” He chuckles for a long time. I sheepishly turn to the maintenance guy and I’m like “I’m so sorry I didn’t know how to correct you!!!” Al thought it was hilarious that I let him call me the wrong name for so long. I was mortified. I feel really bad. I wasn’t trying to be deceitful or anything (although I do like giving out fake names at bars). Blah. I haven’t seen the company president since but I am really hoping this doesn’t turn into some kind of inside joke where he  calls me Hayden. Le sigh.

Five [Lengthy] Facts Friday

thanks for your super nice comments on my last post. no mean e-mails [yay] but a few really nice ones. you guys are the bestest around.

 

1. I’ve boasted before about the amazing cardio cinema at my gym. The other day “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” was playing. I had heard it was cute, and I knew the cast was packed with actors and actresses that I knew (hellooooo Chace Crawford please call me, my phone number is in all the letters and tweets I have sent you), so I went in and watched. It was adorable! I watched for 50 minutes while doing a treadmill / elliptical split. I had the hardest time pulling myself off the machine – the only time this has ever happened –  because I wanted to see the end so badly. Damn work and the whole “showing up is mandatory” thing.  So I bought it. I’m excited to finally get to the end.

 

2. I want to give a shout-out for nice neighbors with whom we have an arrangement. Heh. Our packages get dropped off at the mechanic who is two doors down from us so they don’t sit out on our doorstep all day while we’re at work or if the packages get put on our doorstep, one of the staff gets them and leaves us a note. Sometimes if one of the staff sees me drive down the street on my way home from work, they’ll come to our door and give the package to me, to you know, spare me from having to walk the five steps (!!!!! Oh the horror) outside of my house. Apparently my laziness is fairly obvious. For as negative as I am and how frequently I stomp around bemoaning that my glass is not half empty it’s ¾ empty and will never be full again ever ever ever ever, I’m lucky and people are nice [sometimes].

 

3. On Wednesday I went to my first CXWORX class. I’d caught glimpses of it a few times and saw them doing planks. I knew it would be hard, but manageable. After all, it was only a half hour. I’d blink and it would be over! I could do this. Um. Yeah. I was aching midway through the warm-up and cursing that we still had 26 minutes left! 26!!!! The instructor Heather was a sub, but I really liked her. She had the most calming voice even though the instructions she was dishing out were hurtful. This class was my first ride on the resistance band tube [see what I did thereeeee! No? okay]. At one point, we had to slip them over our sneakers and even though I kept putting mine midway through my foot, they kept snapping off after about five movements.  The woman next to me, trying to be helpful, said maybe I shouldn’t be so jerky. At first I thought she was actually calling me a jerk***. I couldn’t blame her. Those mirrors they insist on having in the fitness studio don’t lie and I had a scowl on the whole time [it’s my ‘angry at myself’ face and my ‘don’t judge I am aware I suck’ face].  I was appalled for maybe seven whole seconds, fuming ‘what the hell?!!? This chick doesn’t know me!’ then I realized she probably meant my movements. So uncoordinated, so new, so clueless, so sorry, so get me outta here I’ll come back when I’m stronger. I liked the class because it was short (yay) and sweaty and now I’m sore, but I’ll like it a lot better when I’m not so pathetic and slipping in piles of my own sweat while I plank.

gym

4. I am trying to become more adventurous at the gym rather than just ducking into the cardio cinema and then relying on Body Pump for my strength training. Outside of the spin studio, we have this lovely area where nobody ever is. I think it’s the personal training area but I have yet to see a single soul there. It has weights and resistance bands and other wonderful things. The other day I wandered over because it was isolated and semi did a Peanut Butter Fingers circuit (I forget which one it actually was). I say semi because I didn’t know half of the moves. I think I might need to bring print-out descriptions next time.

 

5. I have a $100 Visa gift card and have been wracking my brain on how to spend it. My mom suggested I spend it on groceries over the next few weeks but that’s boring and way too practical.  I decided I want a heart rate monitor / calorie burner teller watch thing because it would be super helpful as I never really know how effective my workouts are. What’s a good-ish one? halp.

 

BONUS* because it’s Friday and I’m generous.

Remember when I wrote about how my family was trying to get fit toooo? Well, here is my mom down 30 pounds posing with her two favorite children! She’s down 35 pounds now but this is a few weeks old from when I was in Ocean City. She looks soo good and I’m as proud as a peacock. She’s so devoted to this it’s inspiring. This actually isn’t that great of a picture but I’m obsessed with our labradoodle photobomb’er. We all thought Maggie was out on the porch haha. #diligentpetowners

maggie photobomb

 

funny story about the rubberband on my right wrist. there isn’t a story. one day i looked down and saw i had a rubberband on my wrist and had no idea of how it got there. i thought this was amusing and didn’t take it off for like three weeks.  i am a weirdo.

 

***I actually am a jerk for posting this.

 

 

 

When I Get There

What’s waiting for me? Who am I going to be?

I know, this is ridiculous and I don’t blame you if you think “why does this girl so willingly plaster allllll over the internet that she’s totally loony tunes?”.  I’m only trying to lose 15-ishhhh pounds so this shouldn’t be such a drastic overhaul, but being an analytical worrier is kinda my thing. For so long, I’ve always chalked all of my insecurities to being overweight. “I’ll be better at speaking in meetings if I’m thinner”, “I’ll be a better flirt when I’m not overweight”, “I’ll be more confident when I’m thin”, ‘I won’t think everyone’s judging/laughing at me if I’m thin”, et cetera, et cetera. The extra weight I lug around has always been a defense mechanism, of sorts. I’ve always been convinced that I’m so insecure because of my weight. And if I lost the weight, I’d be more confident, have more fun, let loose, not so easily intimidated and whatnot. For example, in my lackluster love life—if I’m a little overweight, no guy could want me so I never have to face rejection.

Here’s what I know:

  • I’m not expecting that when I am fitter that I’ll be a totally different person who suddenly hates Goldfish or realizes my calling to join Scientology. I know that I’ll still be Caitlyn who needs plenty of alone time and is forever addicted to the terrible, terrible, terrible Bravo shows. I’m not going to suddenly be !!omgzz so happy!! after a magic number appears on the scale
  • I am well aware that being thinner is not the Be All End All and losing pounds doesn’t change how you think.
  • Working at being healthy is a forever thing. It’s never really going to be a done deal. I’ll be constantly adjusting and changing my goals and routines. Note to Future Caitlyn regarding the changing routines because Present Caitlyn is a moody creature of habit who loathes starting anything new and adjusting to new routines: this.is.a.good.thing.relax.
  • Let’s face it, I (and most people) will probably never really be 100% happy. If it’s not my legs, it’ll be my arms.  If it’s not my arms, it’ll be my abs. If it’s not my abs, it’ll be shoulders. And so it goes on and on. Everyone, no matter what size, has issues or causes of unsatisfaction.

I can’t help but wonder. For sooooo long now, I’ve always thought thinner me= happier me.  I think I took so long (almost 10 years!) in delaying making my health and body a priority because I was (am) scared of what I might find if I was to shed the extra weight. I just might find that when I was fit, I would still largely be unhappy with my appearance and that I would still be an insecure mess. If I was thinner/fitter, I’d lose my safety net. The blame game is one of my favorites and what do I blame then? I pin being overweight on practically everything: no, he wasn’t interested, I’m overweight,  I’m scared of practically everything because I’m overweight, I’m shy because I’m overweight. To lose that would mean I’d be more vulnerable and have to accept ME. It’s scary.

The last time I was thin I was in grade school – 8th grade. I played a sport every season just because all my friends were. And in 8th grade, we all quit so we could “live it up” (like our idol Ja Rule) as much as you can when you’re 13. I had more free time than ever and found myself mindlessly snacking and subsequently ballooning. For most of the crucial, maturing  years, I just slotted myself into the funny, kind-of-overweight kid who was content to fade into the background and let everyone else get allll the attention because oh I’m not thin like they are and I don’t want to be in the spotlight so that way I won’t feel judged slot. I don’t know (and don’t want to know) if that’s how other people in real life perceive me, but it’s how I perceive me and I’ve found I’m my own worst enemy. It’s weird: I’ve been fervently wishing the extra pounds away for so long, but now that I’m actively working toward it, I’m all panic! (at the disco) thinking ‘but what am I going to do when it leaves?’

I worry I don’t know how to be thin. I don’t know who I am thin. Does that make any sense? Probably not but if you’ve read here before then you likely know that logic isn’t my style and over thinking with a generous side of dramatic is.  This is the classic diagnosis: fear of success and fear of the unknown.  I’m just trying to figure out my best self and finding a balance, but I guess that’s what we’re all doing, isn’t it? Si.

(puh-leez don’t bother sending me e-mails saying I’m self-absorbed and/or seeking compliments as the second part is not correct,  n-o-t what the post is about or the discussion I’m interested in engaging in. Kthxbai. 🙂 ).

Hear Me Roar

Oh, hey.

boy meets world make it stop

I took a quick vacay from blogging because shooooot I was just worn down. I reactivated Facebook so I’m sucked back into that hole of ‘WILL EVERYONE PLEASE STOP GETTING ENGAGED DECEMBER 21 2012 HAS PASSED THE MAYANS WERE WRONG’, there’s Twitter to make sure everyone knows allllllllll of my opinions on my terrible TV shows, Pinterest to live vicariously through, Instagram which I’m tryingtryingtrying to be better at, and blah. Also work is starting to pick up, and I usually hammer out a post before I get started working and chip away at reading blogs in spare moments… and I just got bogged down and overwhelmed and the club can’t even handle me right now.

betty

That last sentence I typed was a lie. I’ve been going out on weekends with Jenna, the girl from work who I used to swear hated me. Will wonders never cease? Reading my old posts and man..even knowing that in books/movies, the girl character that is ice cold and kinda bitchy to the heroine/narrator is either a) really an icy cold bitch and becomes the mortal enemy to our fair heroine or b) not really ice cold and bitchy it was all a misunderstanding  then they team up, I would have sworn B would never happen with us co-verkers, but here we are, stumbling around the streets laughing about too many vodka/sprites. Is my social life actually on the upswing? Stay tuned for this new development because painful detail is my thing.

shine bright

new motivational sign on cubicle.

The new girl, Alex, who shares my cubicle has the exact same humor as me and so we’re laughing, joking around, talking obsessively about Bravo shows (and what a douchebag Ryan Culberson is on Real Housewives of OC because any 20 something MARINE who gets in a sweet and gracious 64 year old’s face ,an invited guest of your mother-in-law, for no reason deserves to be punched in the face over and over and over SIGH makes me so mad and did that make any sense? no), sending Buzzfeed articles back and forth with subject lines that say things like “Sales meeting prep”, all day long. My boss Sharon and I have such a stellar relationship, she is forever telling the company leadership what a great job I’m doing (puh-leez give me a raise), gives me a lot of freedom with important projects and has so much trust in me,  and we also talk about Bravo shows and what a douchebag Ryan Culberson is and she brings me in books which of course makes her one of my favorite people.

tina piza

I think I have mentioned it but I’m competing in the “Biggest Loser” at work where we weigh in weekly. There’s an overall Loser Winner, who loses the most weight throughout the competition. There’s also weekly rankings for the person who loses the most each week. For the first two weeks, yours truly was dead last.  I’m pretty sure every time I personally was in last it was because I gained weight. Then I won the next two weeks. And was middle of the pack rest of the weeks. Won another week. Once again on the bottom last week. One of the other ‘losers’ said to me ‘Wow, Caitlyn, you sure are a compelling competitor. I can never predict what you do every week!’ Haha. That may sound mean, but she’s the nicest lady and it is kind of funny. The other contestants are all consistent-ish and then there’s hurricane Caitlyn. Up 2 pounds, down 3 pounds, up 2 pounds, down .5 a pound. I am so consistent in my inconsistency. It’s a rare talent.  The competition is halfway over and I’m hoping I can string together a good run. Right now I’m in 4th, which is more impressive than it sounds, considering 7 people are competing.

zombies dotn text

Does anyone watch Pretty Little Liars? I’m watching it on my computer as I write this. This show has so jumped the shark. I used to OBSESS about this show and talk conspiracy theories until the cows came home but now can barely muster up any interest anymore and there’s a whole new crop of creeps I do not care about. Also, if anyone wants to join me in my ‘Aria & Ezra a blackhole of suck’ camp where we sit around and don’t care about Ezria and angrily tweet show producers demanding answers (that I have yet to receive) about why “A” has never, ever done anything to Aria while the other 3 girls are repeatedly put through hell, I’m over here to the left.  Oh you stupid show, I wish I could quit you.

homer treadmill

I finally figured out, with the help of my college roommate Rachel, why my DVD player wasn’t working. It is now set up and I just got Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and another one of hers I can’t remember. I’m terrified/excited/clinging to relief that SHE CAN’T SEE ME.

iti s law

Someday when I have my own company, I am going to implement a policy where we allot employees with “not in the mood” days. Not in the mood days are when your alarm goes off and you just cannot haul yourself out of bed,  when your alarm goes off and it’s raining (aka it should be illegal to have to get OUT of bed), when you just want to stay in bed and watch Law & Order: SVU marathons all day, or when you are not in the mood to leave your house. For me that’s like everyday but all good things in moderation.

Let’s take a road trip and go here. I may or may not have teared up. THIS GUY IS THE GREATEST.

1 .bagel bites or pizza rolls? i like both, but am staunchly team bagel bites fo life.

2. what places do you want to visit? i have a lot. atlanta (meg & rebekah, i’m coming). miami, hawaii (obv), pittsburgh, san fran (i need to see the full house house), nashville, vegas, nawleans. don’t even get me started on international places.

3. fave fitness DVD?

*the post title is homage to katy perry’s new song which i can not and will not take off repeat. super annoying lyric video ahead.