I’ve been the worst blogger in all of the land and sorry. Work has been crazy and I’ve lost any pretend grasp of control of my life. BUT…I can’t just blame work as much as I would absolutely love to. I’ve, uh, been avoiding the blog kind of because … yeah.
For my roommate Molly’s wedding, all I wanted to do was show up looking thin and toned. I knew about her wedding for months [years, even], so anytime I reverted back to my horrible, junk food eating habits, I’d stand back up and brush it off and resolve that I had to get my act together for Molly’s wedding. Yet somehow, three days before her wedding, I found myself in the same situation I’ve been finding myself in for years. Sitting in a dressing room with horrendously critical lighting surrounded by dresses, wearing one that I couldn’t zip up, fighting back tears. Except only this time, thank God, my mom wasn’t outside the door. Here I was back at my normal size and I HATED how everything looked. How was I here again? After all my months of trying so hard, here I was AGAIN. It felt like I hadn’t even made any progress because I just looked the same. All I had wanted to do was show up at the wedding 10-15 pounds lighter and barring a miracle, that wasn’t going to happen. I pulled myself together somewhat and bought a dress I didn’t like that much because it was the only one I thought looked kind of okay.
On the ride home, I felt so frustrated. I felt so sad. I felt so disappointed. And my mom called. My car has a speaker phone thing in it so there’s no getting around it. I was weak and answered. She noted I sounded down and so I told her I didn’t like my dress. She translated accordingly [why do moms know everything?] and sighed. “Caitlyn…you know…don’t get mad at me, I know you’ll get mad at me but….for as long as you have been working at this, you should be 80 pounds by now.” I snapped and told her if I were 80 pounds I’d probably be dead, and then hung up. I’ve been dragging my family along [and everyone via this blog] for months on some great, wonderful, weight loss journey of self-discovery and here I was. With nothing to show for it except for now I know how to microwave egg whites and that I like Trader Joes balsamic dressing. Whoopie.
Sure, I overslept for Body Pump a few times, or missed it because I was working, or just because I didn’t feel like going or I had groceries in my car and didn’t go to the gym because I didn’t want to let them sit. I’m so good at letting myself off the hook and think ‘Oh I’ll get ‘em tomorrow.’ Or I haven’t been 100% committed to healthy eating even though…
I let myself off the hook too easily with an unhealthy snack or a binge session because oh hey! I ate salads and oatmeal and apples yesterday..I’m good! Can’t I ‘cash in’ on yesterday’s success? I knew when I started this whole thing that one of my problems is that I’m lazy, have a hard time committing to things and staying motivated. I like to run when things get hard and never be forced to face it.
This whole healthy living thing isn’t easy and it takes time. I knew that going in. But that’s not an excuse. I should absolutely have more to show by now. It’s horrendously embarrassing to have somehow lost any momentum and have come to a sputtering stop trying to figure out how I keep winding up here.
And that, friends, is one of the reasons I’ve been semi-absent. Pride. Embarrassment. I debated deleting the blog because who wants to keep writing stupid, whiny, pitiful posts by a girl who can’t figure it out and put it together? At this horrendous rate I’m going, it’ll be 5 years before I lose 10 pounds and keep it off for longer than a month. But then I remembered how much I like you guys sooooo….blame yourselves. 🙂
Where do I go from here?…I’d claim it was rock bottom but I still apparently have enough self-control to pull back the reigns on the dramatic effect…I don’t know. I can’t feel any lower about all my attempts than I did over the last three-ish weeks. I guess it’s ‘New Resolve’ version 9.0. And what’s the saying, can only go up from here? I sure as hell hope so.