MIMM: Old Job, New Job

I’m linking up with Katie today because things have been marvelous around these parts. Here are some updates about the last days at the old job and the first days at the new job.

I am already so awkward but these goodbyes at the old job! Super weird. Especially because the majority of them were people that I liked and got along with, but knew I wouldn’t keep in contact with. Ya know? One person advised to “enjoy your life”, and I was like “Errr. Okay. Yeah. Will do. Thanks.”

I chose not to tell old job co-workers where my next job was, since my new company is owned by an (old job) competitor. So, when people at work asked, I said “I’d rather not say”. My dad and friends assured me over and over this was a standard practice, but I still felt like such a sketch-ball saying it. The reactions varied from, “What? Why? Did you sign a NDA? Is it not official? Well that’s weird, why won’t you say? When will we find out? That’s silly!” were a few of my favorite reactions. I still haven’t updated my LinkedIn because co-workers from the last job are blowing up my profile with views. Mwahaha.

About the new job! I’m doing social media full-time. It is SO great so far, but it’s only been a week, haha. The first week week was a lot of training and orientation. I am just trying to familiarize myself with ALL THE INFORMATION. So much information. And so many faces and names that I somehow cannot grasp despite writing notes like “julie – yellow shirt”. Well, the next day when Julie probably isn’t wearing a yellow shirt? No clue who she is. I’ve found myself wishing for the month to go fast so I feel more acclimated and am more settled because I really like it so far and can’t wait to get up to speed and feel like I grasp everything.

The interview story. It’s classic. It spread to a bunch of people in the office and it’s fun to hear their side of it. Apparently everyone was gathered around the interviewers’ desk, trying to find out what was going on, while she was on the phone with me. A few people commented my first day “We were all trying to get you here [that interview day]! We were so pulling for you!” Anyway, the crazy interview was a really good intro. When meeting people, they’d jokingly ask “How was your drive? Was your drive better than last time?” And it was the perfect springboard to banter back and forth, and circumvent the repetitive “hi, nice to meet you”.

Unlike my old job, there are lots of people my age and they’re all so nice and funny. A bunch of them invited me out to the Orioles game with them on Friday night. I was really nervous as I’m definitely still very much in that “introverted new girl, no clue how I fit in, try not to kill them with awkward” phase. I may or may not have given myself a pep talk on the way there that consisted of “just be cool, for God’s sake!!!” But, and I’m trying not to sound manic, I really did have so much fun. It was one of the best nights I’ve had out in a loooong time. 

Right now I’m sitting down the hall from all the people my age, seated with the summer temps, who are gone all day. It’s pretty isolating and lonely. BUT! In a few weeks, we’re all rearranging so I will be closer to them. It will be good.

My new building is huge, and it also has something I’m super pumped about: a cafeteria! I haven’t seen it yet, since I’m sure I’ll get lost, and nobody in training has time for that. But in time. I don’t have high expectations for it, but still. A cafeteria!! I’ll keep you posted on this exciting milestone.

I used to work 7-3:30 and it was the best. I freaking loved it. I didn’t realize how much I loved it until I didn’t work it anymore. I would be home by 4 pm and I’d have an hour in the kitchen by myself to make tomorrow’s meals and throw something together for dinner. I went to my weekly happy hours at my favorite bar at 4:30, and it was the best to be there before any crowds. Have I said yet it was the best? My last week at my old job I was a little bored and ordered some bras off Amazon. I definitely was not thinking about my new hours and that I wouldn’t be the one to pick the package up from the neighbor. My roommate (the guy) had to pick up my packages with a label that loudly proclaimed they were from Lingerie Diva. Cringe.

Now I work 9-5:30. I am adjusting. It is exciting to have more flexibility in the morning. I can sleep later, I have extra time to make a smoothie, I can go to more morning fitness classes. The first day, it was incredibly weird to be sitting at my desk at 3:30 and realize I had TWO MORE HOURS remaining, but so far it really isn’t too bad. For my first week I kept waking up at 6 a.m because I was so panicked that I’d somehow still be late. I’d just watch TV because I didn’t want to risk falling back asleep and not getting up. Dear Routine…. I miss you desperately but we’ll figure it out.

Saturday morning, I went to Rev for Mary’s barre class. I was so excited to hear they were adding it to the class schedule. With my new hours, I can’t make it to her class at my gym anymore. But Saturdays at 9 am? No bueno. I was a little hungover from the Orioles game and put on an even more miserable performance in class then my usual horrible standards. I really like barre though so I hope to make it out to her class every week!

Whew, that was a lot. Thanks to Katie for hosting and have a marvelous day.

Advertisements

A Story You Totally Needed to Know

Listen my children and you shall hear,

how Caitlyn’s acne scarring is almost clear.

oh yeah you can try and say you don’t want to read this post but you and I both know you be lying. Here it is. I finally decided it was time to get a skincare routine. I never had one is because my skin is out of control. What? That makes no sense. Let me explain.

I was breaking out at age 8.  At 13, I went on Accutane – the youngest person my dermatologist ever prescribed it to- probably my biggest achievement in life next to the “best effort” award in 8th grade. I went back on Accutane at 17 and spent many a high school class in the bathroom or the nurse with bloody noses (medicine side effect). It got so bad the dean told me to bring a sweater or extra blouse (catholic school, we had a uniform) so I wouldn’t have to sport bloody blouses all day and look like a heathen. SO many fight club jokes and none of them were impressive. My nose never bled during trigonometry though; of course I can’t get that lucky. My dermatologist debated putting me on Accutane again at 23 but he decided not to after I immediately burst into tears and pleaded “nooo! Oh God please I just can’t do it again!!! I can’t!!!”  For those who might not know, Accutane is referred to as the “nuclear option” for acne. It’s controversial because the side effects are long-lasting and sometimes serious. Every month I had to get blood tests to make sure I wasn’t pregnant because Accutane causes such serious birth defects. Then at 17 I also had to start taking quizzes every month to make sure I was aware of how not to get pregnant. I still have some of the side effects from that damn (but miracle working) pill. Dear Lord Caitlyn why are you doing this to these nice people..okay..hurrying up. In summary, I have an acne problem.

So, I never really implemented a skin care routine because the usual stuff everyone seemed to use or what my dermatologist recommended would make me break out and I didn’t know what else to do so I did what I do best which is: absolutely nothing. That was dumb because you would think with my skin I should have had a skin care routine but I figured not doing anything trumped buying and trying products that would eventually made me break out. I was reading a blog post and this blogger wrote a review for Paula’s Choice. I figured it was nothing special but when the blogger mentioned she’d been on Accutane and it helped her so much…my eyes (?) perked up and I went on the website and did some googling. I was sold. I wish I could remember what blogger it was but I used her referral link so I guess it evens out.

I’ve been using it for over a month and it has helped SO much. So so much. The difference is pretty incredible. I use the face wash, then the toner (with a cotton ball), and finally the exfoliant (with another cotton ball). I also use their moisturizer everyday since my new face medication has my face dried out like nothing else (as if Accutane didn’t dry me out enough! Sheesh). SO the longest backstory in the world was just to tell you this: it worked for me! listen to my tale of woe and learn about how great this stuff is because it worked for me, sporter of horrible skin!  I just couldn’t sit still on the information anymore.


Paulas Choice is pricier than the normal drugstore stuff, but bad skin will always be a problem for me soo I know I need to shell out extra money for good quality and care. They discount their stuff often and if you use my referral link you’ll get $10 off your first purchase (!!!!) but … no pressure. Ever.

**Not sponsored or anything I just love this stuff. I already ordered their sunscreen because…. you guessed it!!!!…most facial sunscreens make me break out…

Also!! in a last minute effort to not come across like the most self-centered person on the planet not named Beyonce, Kardashian or West…have you heard about the Reading Rainbow kickstarter? As a huge reader, a person who knows many people whose love of reading was influenced by Reading Rainbow, and more generally, a human, this makes me SO damn happy I could cry. Reading is so important and Reading Rainbow has already helped so many! After all, if we couldn’t read, how would we ever read posts about a 25 year old’s acne history?! 😉


Now you can totally party hard this weekend because this post has got you in the mood. I know it.

Ten Years

What is wrong with me? I post “why I’ve been blogging less but oh don’t worry I’ll still be around!!!”…then I run away. I suck.

I thought the internet was lacking in a sentimental post so here I am to save the day and make all the readers in the place with style and grace…cringe. In the spring of 2004, I was in 8th grade. Throughout grade school I played field hockey (fall), basketball (winter), softball (spring). I mostly did it because my friends did it and I had (still have?) FOMO- fear of missing out. Softball was far and away my least favorite, so I finally decided to ~live for me~ and quit so I could enjoy the remaining of my 8th grade days because I assumed life would be SUPER stressful in omg high school. I think I announced my retirement in a dramatic AIM away message. Maybe with Something Corporate lyrics.

Suddenly I had hours free! So much spare time! It was wonderful….and it jumpstarted the problem I’d have for the next decade. Too much spare time, nothing to do, so I started eating. I ballooned. I’d always been tall for my age, but by 8th grade, everyone had grown and I had stopped. At 5’2 (maybe 5’3 if you’re in a generous kind of mood). I graduated as the 11th shortest girl (I commemorated this in my diary so that’s how you know it rocked me to my core) and undeniably a little bit bigger. I remember my mom asking me once “You’re eating again? Are you sure? There’s a pool party coming up.” I was like “What? Yes I am hungry. I’ll be ready for the pool party, GEEZ MOM.” Lo and behold, a few weeks later, I wasn’t ready for that pool party. I didn’t go in the pool. I wore a two piece but never took my cover-up off. When my friends went in the pool, I sat or went to the bathroom to pretend to fix my hair or something.

I quit softball and filled my spare time with mindless snacking. A habit I have yet to break.

It’s hard to accept that it’s been ten years since that spring. I’ve written over and over in lengthy, painful, rambling posts about how I feel my weight and eating habits have held me back. It’s sobering to realize that a whole decade passed where I hated my body, ate more because I hated my body, and yet I didn’t have “it” to change. “It” meaning: the willpower, the mental fortitude, the knowledge of nutrition or how my body worked, the desire to learn all that, etc. I was miserable for so long about how my body looked so I’d eat to cheer myself up after a dismal shopping trip with my mom when I wanted to wear cute, stylish clothes that hugged my body and instead went with flimsy, flowy blouses or to fill a void when I saw my friends in relationships. Whatever. The list and the drama can go on (and probably does in multiple posts on this blog).

I’ve officially been blogging about my grand weight loss attempt for a year. I’ve done really well, then let myself have a reward “just one cheat day” on a Saturday which turned into a Sunday resolve of “ehhh just make it a cheat WEEKEND” that turned into eating poorly on Monday and Tuesday, but I couldn’t re-start healthy eating and living on a Wednesday! That was dumb! So NEXT MONDAY it would begin! Or when I didn’t feel like prepping healthy meals, figuring out what groceries I needed and then actually grocery shopping.

I’ve re-started with the resolve, then stopped, then taken forever to re-start again so many times over the past year. This particular winter has been brutal when I just couldn’t make myself get up to go to the gym and so hibernated in my house binging because it was too cold! The last week has been better, and I realize NOW that I really can’t let myself off the hook too much with “cheat days” because otherwise it just turns into one big, binge-y freefall. Should it have taken me so embarrassingly long? Probably not.

The last year has been one of so much learning, so much stopping, and eventually re-starting. All that matters is the re-start happens and I’m a lot more motivated than ever. Realizing it’s been a DECADE like this helps. Turning 25 in May helps.

It’s been 10 years but it won’t make it to my favorite number 11 🙂

Why I’ve Been Blogging Less

Right. hello.

Life has been busier than usual round these parts but you are probably still busier. I try not to post about how OMG STRESSED AND BUSY AND CRAZAAAYY life is ever (it’s usually not) because I remember from Queen Mindy Kaling’s book where she says “A note about me: I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time EVERYONE IS STRESSED OUT. Going on and on in detail about how stressed how I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, “Wow, Mindy, you really have it ESPECIALLY bad. I have heard some stories of stress but this just TAKES THE CAKE.”

I read that and was like hell ya! This applies to me. So now I try not to whine about how tired (okay I fail at that one a lot), busy, stressed, whatev I am because….that quote. I love it. So I try to shut up.

This is obviously not me shutting up. And if you ever want tips on how to kill a blog, seek out yours truly. I’m the worst. BUT I can’t deny that it is kind of a success.

….I never presume anyone notices or further, cares, but it makes me cringe and feel bad when I see the blog name in the search terms section of blog stats. Oh and yes some version “I’m fat and hate myself” always makes an appearance in the search terms.  What a legacy I’m carving out.  So here I am about to fumble through an explanation that will probably make sense to a party of one Caitlyn but I feel compelled to try.

I’m trying to get out behind my computer more. I loooooove the Internet and can easily spend hours lost skimming in forums. Example, a few months ago I found Make-up Alley. I spent at least four straight days just browsing and reading reviews and then throwing things on my Amazon wishlist. A make-up artist I will probably never be but I like to imagine that I could someday be the girl who easily blends eyeshadows together to make eyes pop because that would be fun or be the girl who knows how to apply concealer juuuuust right, instead of just smearing it on my face and hoping for generously bad lighting all day like I do now. Hence why the zillion eyeshadow palettes, concealer jars, contouring brushes, are still sitting on my wishlists. Snort.

In the spring I had all these grand dreams for growing the blog but then I soured on them and realized I honestly didn’t care about growing it because I like it as it is and I hate change. In the fall I realized it was stupid how much time I spent cooped up in my room on the internet. I moved to a city like I always wanted to…and I would (still do) spend all my spare time in my room. No one is on their death bed and thinks “Sheesh if only I wasted more time on the internet.” Thus I am trying to cut down on my Internet time. Where I am at now is…I don’t know what to do with myself (this does not apply to recent, busier time). If you know of any “pathetic life” awards feel free to nominate me. I don’t really have any hobbies beside reading (which I am doing even more of) and reality tv. Over the winter months when I also could pinpoint the weather for being in my house all the time like a shut-in, I on-line browsed (and sometimes purchased) all the time. I’ve developed a new love for candles through all my yankee candle browsing.

I’m trying to cook/bake more because…adulthood.. but I really hate it. Really, really, really hate it. It makes me so anxious and I don’t know why. The other day I was baking bars and my hands were trembling the whole time and when the bars were finally cut and put away, I just felt such relief. ‘Twas bizarre.  I do more work-out DVDs. I still don’t clean my room.

So one of the things that has fallen by the wayside is blogging. I don’t put any pressure on myself to churn out “content” (like I used to in the spring) or creating graphics for pinterest (although I admire and happily pin yours and others). Maybe another reason is because I do all that at work?

This isn’t a goodbye or anything. I’m not quitting and I’ll still blog but I just wanted to try and explain the lack of consistent posts and blog reading/commenting. Soo I’m still here, always ready to rant and ramble, anddddd doesn’t mean I love ya any less 😉

 

 

It’s The Freaking Weekend

…..I love them so much, yet they are one of my roadblocks in getting fit.

So I used to struggle with eating healthily during all days of the week but the work week was really hard. Preparation is not my thing. Thinking ahead? Nope. Never has been my style. I wouldn’t pack enough food and I’d get hunger headaches and slump around the office for hours that felt endless or I would just get Skittles and an Almond Joy bar from the vending machine.

I’m finally, finally, finally getting better at eating healthy doing the week. I plan out all my meals and get ‘er done. But now, the weekends. Suddenly I’m 100 times worse on the weekends than I ever was during the work week.

I know that the problem is too much free time, which makes me laugh because I love the weekends for that very reason.

On weekends I really just…have nothing to do. So I eat. It’s something to do. And what I eat on the weekends, I guarantee, is never healthy. It’s always a “bad” food choice and it’s always a LOT of it. I know binge-eating is one of my problems. I know I’m eating because I’m bored, but I can’t seem to talk myself out of it. I knew it was a bigger problem than I thought it was when I woke up last Saturday morning and thought “Oooh. I can go to CVS and buy some unhealthy snack to eat today. My roommates are still asleep so they won’t see me come back into the house with it.” A low point. I’m planning on sneaking back in with junk food, like I’m smuggling drugs. I didn’t want to be caught and I didn’t want to feel ashamed. Way to be, self. Way.to.be. That’s also another alarming facet – that I willingly leave my house to buy bad food. And I don’t talk myself out of it for the 2 blocks that it takes to walk there.

It’s a problem, and I know this. I know it when I’m shoving food down my throat and I feel worse afterward, but then the next weekend rolls around, and lo and behold, there’s bored Caitlyn. I don’t talk myself out of it because I want to do it and I declare that “I’ll burn it off!!! I’ll work-out extra hard!!”

The obvious solution seems to be – well, don’t be bored. Get a hobby moron. Do something. I already read a lot but even I can’t do that for however many waking hours I have.  I need a lot of alone time but maybe too much is too much on the weekends? Last year I used to go to the mall a lot, but this year I am on a girl on a budget. And it’s cold. I thought about going for a run a time or two, but then I’m all “Um well I don’t know where to run so that’s out.” I’ve lived here a year and a half now, and I still don’t know any running or walking routes.

It’s a low point and I’m just…over it. Over constantly putting myself in these positions and giving in and not overcoming. I’m so over figuring one thing out (like healthy eating during the work day) and then another thing comes popping up worse than before. Blah. I know this is all me and I’m forever writing posts like “wah I know it’s my fault but it’s hard and I can’t figure it out and I keep doing it”. I know.  That’s about all I have to whine about today.

Welcome 2014

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2014. To quote one of the great philosophers of my time, Hannah Montana, “let’s make it rock.”

I wasn’t going to do one of these but I’ve read so many great posts that I wanted to try. I don’t think these are anything horribly drastic but they are all important. Plus, I find I need things written down otherwise I forget. The food & health ones are the most important overall, buuuut obviously I want to focus on them all.

 

Baltimore:

I live in a city like I’ve always wanted to! I need to take advantage of this more rather then just being content to hang in my house all the time.

Look for opportunities to volunteer…and get involved.

Be more social and become more proactive at finding more friends here.

 

Career:

Get a new job that I like, is an advancement  from where I am now and will teach me new skills.

Learn to handle things better in the workplace. I take it all so personally and recent events have affected me way too much.

Learn tactics to communicate better with leadership/executives in the workplace. I’ve let many issues or incidents that upset me slide, because I didn’t think I could address them with my superiors. I thought i was too low on the totem pole and couldn’t bring it up. I need to figure out a way to discuss them in a professional way.

 

Financial:

Pay cash more often to hold myself accountable. While out shopping, I’m way too liberal about tossing items in my cart because…hey! i have my credit card.

Make more money. 🙂

Contribue to my 401K. I don’t right now because my salary is so tiny that I need it all, but  I know it’s important.

 

Food:

For some reason, I really hate food prep/cooking/baking. It makes me so anxious (?) and I find that I just cannot wait until it’s over and done. Really weird. Get over this.

Become better at packing food for work (breakfast, snacks, lunches). I’m horrible at planning. More on this later.

Prepare better dinners. I often mail it in at dinner because for reasons above.

Try a recipe from Pinterest/Instagram/blogs once a month.

Figure out how to meal plan. Ginger and nutmeg has been sitting in my cabinet forever, buuuut I can’t remember why I have it. I write down on my grocery list to buy this stuff because i see a recipe somewhere along my lengthy Internet trail. Then I can’t remember what the recipe is or why this stuff is in my cabinet.

 

Health:

Lose weight.

Continue to develop healthy habits.

Work harder at winning everyday battles between old binge-y habits and new healthier habits.

Become more educated on my body and healthy eating.

Stop being so afraid of the weight room at gym. One way to do that is become more educated on what those OMG so intimidating machines do.

Incorporate variety into work-outs.

Work out on weekends. I do this like once a month but it could be more.

Successfully complete the Charles Street 12 miler and  Baltimore Half. Do not worry about times, just focus on crossing finish line. Do not have panic attack if it takes 10 hours.

 

Organization:

Uh, pretty much be more organized. Be neater.

 

Social:

Try and attend church more regularly.

Be more proactive at finding friends and being more social.

Stop holding myself back.

Be nicer and more compassionate.

Try not to have a breakdown over turning 25 (!!!!!) and do not dwell on what my life isn’t. For example, I alway thought I’d get engaged at 25 and I’m pretty sure that won’t be happening soooo I just need to let go of what I thought would happen. Live more in the moment.

Have a great year 🙂

 

The Way I Think

Hey. Thanks so so much for all your comments on my last post. Sometimes I wonder why I blog, then I read other peoples blogs, comments on other peoples blogs, comments on my own blog, and…I remember exactly why. To hear I’m not alone. I love social media and I also hate it because seeing everyone’s statuses squealing about getting promotions or getting the coolest job ever, Instagram pictures that feature the hashtag “#engaged” and whatever, gets me reallll down in the dumps. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for everyone and when I comment ‘congrats! happy for you!’ I mean it (most times), but sheesh, I hate that their happiness/success makes me feel like shit about myself. I feel angry and saddened that (it appears) everyone is moving forward yet I am like a hamster on the wheel that never gets anywhere, forever chilling on the very bottom. Being grateful every day is not something that comes easily to me. Neither does self-acceptance (believe me we know, think longtime readers of this blog).

I was thinking today about how I always dwell on all the things that I’m not and all the things I don’t have, instead of all the things that I am and all the things that I do have. What brought this revelation on was when I was at the mechanic/neighbors picking up our plentiful packages [oh the holiday season], and one of the mechanics said to me, “I thought you should know that when your package came today, as so-and-so signed for it, he said ‘Oh good, that means Caitlyn will come by today.’ We all look forward to your appearances because you make us laugh.” I was so stunned/touched by this, I think I stuttered a thank you, resorted to my standby self-deprecating humor bout how that’s the first time I ever heard somebody say they were looking forward to seeing me, we all laughed, I walked away smiling and hadn’t stopped smiling since. Whenever I’m at the neighbors, I am just trying to not be my always awkward self, and I never thought what they might see or take out of the brief exchange because I always just assume my jokes are stupid, that they’re counting the seconds until that awkward neighbor leaves. I always see the worst. I think I’m awkward, I’m always going to be awkward, but that’s not what other people necessarily see. These neighbors don’t know how I see myself.

I pout too often about how I don’t like my weight right now, but I ignore the positive changes I have made.  I was staring at my grocery cart in the check-out line the other day and I couldn’t believe that it was my cart, full of stuff picked out by ME. Two years ago I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell you what egg whites were. Or why too much sodium was a problem. Or what almond milk was. Or what Greek yogurt was. and why it was different. Two years ago when I went to the grocery store, I completely ignored the perimeter of the grocery store. I never bought produce. Ever. I bought cookies, crackers, bagel bites, ice-cream, cheez-its, pop-tarts. All I drank was soda, alcohol and the occasional water with Crystal Light. I’m pretty confident that I never, ever, ever hit my suggested veggie intake. Now I fill my cart with egg whites, fat-free Greek yogurt, cranberries, spinach, bananas, strawberries, almonds, carrots. I think and care about things like my veggie intake everyday and make smoothies or small salads to accommodate if I realize it’s low. I pause to dwell on if I am drinking enough water – and sometimes, I even drink more water than recommended. I limit myself to one soda or one Crystal Light a week, and sometimes I go without them.

I get borderline depressed when I look at my bank account and remember how poor I am. But if I frame the situation another way,  I  feel proud that while my bank account doesn’t end with as many zero’s as I’d like it to, I’m living on my own in a new city, paying bills, and am still managing to save something.  When I moved to this city, I lived here for 4.5 months without any income. I’m proud that I managed to make it work and am still here making it work and learning about living on my own. I personally have a lot to learn about how to be an adult and live on my own.

Not only do I tend to have a distaste for where I am in my life and dwell on all the things that I’m presently not, I am guilty of pigeon-holing myself and accepting what I  let myself think I can never be. Make sense? Probably not. I know I hold myself back and don’t take chances because “well, obviously, that’s not for me, that’s for people cooler/more successful/more talented than me. I won’t be able to do that.” It’s sobering to realize I severely underestimate myself and cut myself off from fun things. Shouldn’t I be my own advocate? My biggest  cheerleader? It’s sad to realize I’m always my worst critic – and yes, I know I’m not alone in that. I’m training for a 12 miler in August (!!!!!) which I NEVER thought I’d do. Those kinds of things were obviously for runners only and I can never be a runner because .. hello..look at me, my name is Caitlyn, it’s not in my DNA, I suck at everything forever and ever amen. I’m still not 100% convinced I’ll be able to pull it off but I try to banish those thoughts and just focus on going a teensy bit further than I did yesterday.  I always thought it’d be so cool to be a half-marathoner but never pursued it because of who I thought I was and who I just accept that I am. Lazy, afraid, doomed, terrible at everything,hopeless. Yes, I’m lazy, but I can overcome that. Yes, I walked a nearly-20 minute mile in 7th grade and hated it every second, but why oh why still think about that 10 years later? It was a stupid grade school fitness test, it should have nothing to do with today, and the Caitlyn back then was most definitely not the Caitlyn of now. Thank God.

Really I get so angsty about how I’m not where I want to be, but I don’t stop to think about where I am, compared to where I  have been. Sure it’s not as fast and the results aren’t as sudden as I’d want them to be, but they are there. The littlest of results. Things – good things – will happen if I keep chugging along. Even if it feels like I’m getting nowhere. Good things are there. I just have to pay more attention and readjust what view I’m looking at.