Forgot About Dre

This post has taken two point five weeks to finish and publish. This does not mean to raise your standards.

I love the new job. Love it, love it, love it. We’re crazy busy right now, but it’s all going so well.

 The only downside of the job is how much I hate my commute home. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Leaving at 5:30 I’m right in the middle of all the rush hour traffic. My office is 15 miles from my house, yet it takes over an hour most days. It’s heavy traffic, construction, and Ravens/Orioles traffic on top of it. The stadium traffic all gets off at my exits. Why did I want to move to a city again? Haha. I hate driving so much, and my drive home probably isn’t actually that bad, but it really stresses me out. And now that I get home at 6:30-ish, suddenly everything I’ve ever wanted to attend in life is at 6 PM. Sucks.

 I’m doing better at eating healthy although I’d really like to track and see how many calories I am eating per day. I used to be, at best, mediocre at this but the whole tracking every morsel thing is tiresome (mad props to those who faithfully keep it up) and I kept forgetting to track. Some days I’m just like ughhhh sure I had 3 cups of feta in my salad, I DON’T KNOW. Some days, when I’m on my food prep game, I feel like I just might be eating too many calories considering my activity level is somewhat low. Some days, the calories are definitely too little. I keep meaning to do a WIAW to show it all off but..Wednesday keeps catching me unaware. Weekends are still an issue, like they have always been, but we’ll get there. Some day.

 Fitness. Hmm. I’m on the cusp of a new routine. <— That! That is the sentence I believe jinxed the post. I made that proclamation via keyboard then I got knocked down by a sinus infection that just wouldn’t quit and sidelined me for over a week and made me the enemy of all co-workers who sit near me. So, this new routine is walking. My office is on a 2.3 mile loop. It took me a dumb amount of time to realize this. I’ve always loved to go for long walks (now I sound like an on-line dating ad cliche), so the next day I packed a bag and changed at work at end of the day. Of course, I continually run into co-workers after I change. I still feel extremely embarrassed, like I have been caught stealing the Crown Jewels. One girl asked what I was doing, so I told her i was going for a run. Yeah, I straight up lied. What is wrong with me? It’s pretty dumb to feel so awkward about it but rationality isn’t a strength of mine. 

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The route.

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It’s a supremely nice, safe route. I feel really lucky that this is right outside my office. It’s really cool to see all the bikers, runners and walkers out on the loop, so way to go Columbia for helping people stay active. The arrival of pumpkin everything makes me sad because I know I won’t be able to do this walk forever since eventually it’ll be cold. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. The big bonus is that walking the loop twice takes me about 1.5 hours, so when I do get in my car and pull out of the office parking lot, I’ve missed a lot of the traffic. Score! So, weather, preparation (one day I only packed one sneaker. yep), and schedule permitting, I do this at least 3 days a week. While it’s not heart-pounding cardio, I burn over 300 calories according to my Map My Walk app.

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A surprise diversion on the loop. But it’s a fun one. 

I also am trying to get back on the bike. The spin bike. I can’t quite figure out my relationship with spinning. I really like sitting down and spinning away, while playing with the resistance to make the ride harder. I hate the standing up part. I’m SO freaking bad at it. I can manage like 10 seconds total. I know I’m out of shape and so it’s going to be uncomfortable and all that, but sheesh. I really loathe it (the standing up part) more than anything else I can currently think of that’s fitness related. Can I just sit down and spin the whole time? Can that be a class? Normally I’d just toss spinning aside as another Thing That Caitlyn Can’t Do And So Hath Abandoned. So why do I keep wanting to go?  I think it’s all Rev Cycle Studio’s fault. I just love that place. The instructors are all amazing, and so nice. The place has such a good vibe. That makes no sense.  I’m there every Saturday morning for barre with Mary and I just like being at Rev. This is big because as we all know, I hate being anywhere that reminds me how out of shape I am. So if you’re in Bmore and want to join me once a week at a 6 am spin class, lemmmme know. You can kick off your morning with a good, hearty laugh at my performance. 

But! What about the gym you used to go to all the time? Yeah. Hmm. It doesn’t make geographical sense to go to the location I used to go to (my gym is a chain), on weekday mornings because I’ll hit tons of traffic for endless miles. I really don’t like the locations near my house and just feel uncomfortable there. So. My gym and I are kind of at a standstill. That I’m still paying for. 

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 Remember that couple I posted about a few months ago? He passed away a few weeks after I posted. His wife wrote an amazing blog entry entitled “Rest In Peace My Sweet Husband” which you can read here. I cry every time. They also blogged their 5 year journey to cancer which is linked at the top of the post. So amazing and so inspiring. Whenever I feel myself being unnecessarily whiny, dramatic, or just acting like a bee-yatch in general, I remember their posts and how Dan lived. At his wedding he hugged me and told me “I’m so happy you’re here today” and meant it. I was a complete stranger! All he knew of me was that I was his now brother-in-law’s best friend who was obsessed with weddings. He visited 52 countries and 44 states in 33 years, and judging by the amazing posts on his Facebook wall, left an immeasurable legacy everywhere he went. It’s weird how much his death has affected me. Sometimes I get both angry and sad that such a GOOD person isn’t here anymore. Like, really? Keep all the jerks around but take him? I can’t pretend to understand now but maybe someday. 

Ten Years

What is wrong with me? I post “why I’ve been blogging less but oh don’t worry I’ll still be around!!!”…then I run away. I suck.

I thought the internet was lacking in a sentimental post so here I am to save the day and make all the readers in the place with style and grace…cringe. In the spring of 2004, I was in 8th grade. Throughout grade school I played field hockey (fall), basketball (winter), softball (spring). I mostly did it because my friends did it and I had (still have?) FOMO- fear of missing out. Softball was far and away my least favorite, so I finally decided to ~live for me~ and quit so I could enjoy the remaining of my 8th grade days because I assumed life would be SUPER stressful in omg high school. I think I announced my retirement in a dramatic AIM away message. Maybe with Something Corporate lyrics.

Suddenly I had hours free! So much spare time! It was wonderful….and it jumpstarted the problem I’d have for the next decade. Too much spare time, nothing to do, so I started eating. I ballooned. I’d always been tall for my age, but by 8th grade, everyone had grown and I had stopped. At 5’2 (maybe 5’3 if you’re in a generous kind of mood). I graduated as the 11th shortest girl (I commemorated this in my diary so that’s how you know it rocked me to my core) and undeniably a little bit bigger. I remember my mom asking me once “You’re eating again? Are you sure? There’s a pool party coming up.” I was like “What? Yes I am hungry. I’ll be ready for the pool party, GEEZ MOM.” Lo and behold, a few weeks later, I wasn’t ready for that pool party. I didn’t go in the pool. I wore a two piece but never took my cover-up off. When my friends went in the pool, I sat or went to the bathroom to pretend to fix my hair or something.

I quit softball and filled my spare time with mindless snacking. A habit I have yet to break.

It’s hard to accept that it’s been ten years since that spring. I’ve written over and over in lengthy, painful, rambling posts about how I feel my weight and eating habits have held me back. It’s sobering to realize that a whole decade passed where I hated my body, ate more because I hated my body, and yet I didn’t have “it” to change. “It” meaning: the willpower, the mental fortitude, the knowledge of nutrition or how my body worked, the desire to learn all that, etc. I was miserable for so long about how my body looked so I’d eat to cheer myself up after a dismal shopping trip with my mom when I wanted to wear cute, stylish clothes that hugged my body and instead went with flimsy, flowy blouses or to fill a void when I saw my friends in relationships. Whatever. The list and the drama can go on (and probably does in multiple posts on this blog).

I’ve officially been blogging about my grand weight loss attempt for a year. I’ve done really well, then let myself have a reward “just one cheat day” on a Saturday which turned into a Sunday resolve of “ehhh just make it a cheat WEEKEND” that turned into eating poorly on Monday and Tuesday, but I couldn’t re-start healthy eating and living on a Wednesday! That was dumb! So NEXT MONDAY it would begin! Or when I didn’t feel like prepping healthy meals, figuring out what groceries I needed and then actually grocery shopping.

I’ve re-started with the resolve, then stopped, then taken forever to re-start again so many times over the past year. This particular winter has been brutal when I just couldn’t make myself get up to go to the gym and so hibernated in my house binging because it was too cold! The last week has been better, and I realize NOW that I really can’t let myself off the hook too much with “cheat days” because otherwise it just turns into one big, binge-y freefall. Should it have taken me so embarrassingly long? Probably not.

The last year has been one of so much learning, so much stopping, and eventually re-starting. All that matters is the re-start happens and I’m a lot more motivated than ever. Realizing it’s been a DECADE like this helps. Turning 25 in May helps.

It’s been 10 years but it won’t make it to my favorite number 11 🙂

Why I’ve Been Blogging Less

Right. hello.

Life has been busier than usual round these parts but you are probably still busier. I try not to post about how OMG STRESSED AND BUSY AND CRAZAAAYY life is ever (it’s usually not) because I remember from Queen Mindy Kaling’s book where she says “A note about me: I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time EVERYONE IS STRESSED OUT. Going on and on in detail about how stressed how I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, “Wow, Mindy, you really have it ESPECIALLY bad. I have heard some stories of stress but this just TAKES THE CAKE.”

I read that and was like hell ya! This applies to me. So now I try not to whine about how tired (okay I fail at that one a lot), busy, stressed, whatev I am because….that quote. I love it. So I try to shut up.

This is obviously not me shutting up. And if you ever want tips on how to kill a blog, seek out yours truly. I’m the worst. BUT I can’t deny that it is kind of a success.

….I never presume anyone notices or further, cares, but it makes me cringe and feel bad when I see the blog name in the search terms section of blog stats. Oh and yes some version “I’m fat and hate myself” always makes an appearance in the search terms.  What a legacy I’m carving out.  So here I am about to fumble through an explanation that will probably make sense to a party of one Caitlyn but I feel compelled to try.

I’m trying to get out behind my computer more. I loooooove the Internet and can easily spend hours lost skimming in forums. Example, a few months ago I found Make-up Alley. I spent at least four straight days just browsing and reading reviews and then throwing things on my Amazon wishlist. A make-up artist I will probably never be but I like to imagine that I could someday be the girl who easily blends eyeshadows together to make eyes pop because that would be fun or be the girl who knows how to apply concealer juuuuust right, instead of just smearing it on my face and hoping for generously bad lighting all day like I do now. Hence why the zillion eyeshadow palettes, concealer jars, contouring brushes, are still sitting on my wishlists. Snort.

In the spring I had all these grand dreams for growing the blog but then I soured on them and realized I honestly didn’t care about growing it because I like it as it is and I hate change. In the fall I realized it was stupid how much time I spent cooped up in my room on the internet. I moved to a city like I always wanted to…and I would (still do) spend all my spare time in my room. No one is on their death bed and thinks “Sheesh if only I wasted more time on the internet.” Thus I am trying to cut down on my Internet time. Where I am at now is…I don’t know what to do with myself (this does not apply to recent, busier time). If you know of any “pathetic life” awards feel free to nominate me. I don’t really have any hobbies beside reading (which I am doing even more of) and reality tv. Over the winter months when I also could pinpoint the weather for being in my house all the time like a shut-in, I on-line browsed (and sometimes purchased) all the time. I’ve developed a new love for candles through all my yankee candle browsing.

I’m trying to cook/bake more because…adulthood.. but I really hate it. Really, really, really hate it. It makes me so anxious and I don’t know why. The other day I was baking bars and my hands were trembling the whole time and when the bars were finally cut and put away, I just felt such relief. ‘Twas bizarre.  I do more work-out DVDs. I still don’t clean my room.

So one of the things that has fallen by the wayside is blogging. I don’t put any pressure on myself to churn out “content” (like I used to in the spring) or creating graphics for pinterest (although I admire and happily pin yours and others). Maybe another reason is because I do all that at work?

This isn’t a goodbye or anything. I’m not quitting and I’ll still blog but I just wanted to try and explain the lack of consistent posts and blog reading/commenting. Soo I’m still here, always ready to rant and ramble, anddddd doesn’t mean I love ya any less 😉

 

 

It’s The Freaking Weekend

…..I love them so much, yet they are one of my roadblocks in getting fit.

So I used to struggle with eating healthily during all days of the week but the work week was really hard. Preparation is not my thing. Thinking ahead? Nope. Never has been my style. I wouldn’t pack enough food and I’d get hunger headaches and slump around the office for hours that felt endless or I would just get Skittles and an Almond Joy bar from the vending machine.

I’m finally, finally, finally getting better at eating healthy doing the week. I plan out all my meals and get ‘er done. But now, the weekends. Suddenly I’m 100 times worse on the weekends than I ever was during the work week.

I know that the problem is too much free time, which makes me laugh because I love the weekends for that very reason.

On weekends I really just…have nothing to do. So I eat. It’s something to do. And what I eat on the weekends, I guarantee, is never healthy. It’s always a “bad” food choice and it’s always a LOT of it. I know binge-eating is one of my problems. I know I’m eating because I’m bored, but I can’t seem to talk myself out of it. I knew it was a bigger problem than I thought it was when I woke up last Saturday morning and thought “Oooh. I can go to CVS and buy some unhealthy snack to eat today. My roommates are still asleep so they won’t see me come back into the house with it.” A low point. I’m planning on sneaking back in with junk food, like I’m smuggling drugs. I didn’t want to be caught and I didn’t want to feel ashamed. Way to be, self. Way.to.be. That’s also another alarming facet – that I willingly leave my house to buy bad food. And I don’t talk myself out of it for the 2 blocks that it takes to walk there.

It’s a problem, and I know this. I know it when I’m shoving food down my throat and I feel worse afterward, but then the next weekend rolls around, and lo and behold, there’s bored Caitlyn. I don’t talk myself out of it because I want to do it and I declare that “I’ll burn it off!!! I’ll work-out extra hard!!”

The obvious solution seems to be – well, don’t be bored. Get a hobby moron. Do something. I already read a lot but even I can’t do that for however many waking hours I have.  I need a lot of alone time but maybe too much is too much on the weekends? Last year I used to go to the mall a lot, but this year I am on a girl on a budget. And it’s cold. I thought about going for a run a time or two, but then I’m all “Um well I don’t know where to run so that’s out.” I’ve lived here a year and a half now, and I still don’t know any running or walking routes.

It’s a low point and I’m just…over it. Over constantly putting myself in these positions and giving in and not overcoming. I’m so over figuring one thing out (like healthy eating during the work day) and then another thing comes popping up worse than before. Blah. I know this is all me and I’m forever writing posts like “wah I know it’s my fault but it’s hard and I can’t figure it out and I keep doing it”. I know.  That’s about all I have to whine about today.

The Way I Think

Hey. Thanks so so much for all your comments on my last post. Sometimes I wonder why I blog, then I read other peoples blogs, comments on other peoples blogs, comments on my own blog, and…I remember exactly why. To hear I’m not alone. I love social media and I also hate it because seeing everyone’s statuses squealing about getting promotions or getting the coolest job ever, Instagram pictures that feature the hashtag “#engaged” and whatever, gets me reallll down in the dumps. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for everyone and when I comment ‘congrats! happy for you!’ I mean it (most times), but sheesh, I hate that their happiness/success makes me feel like shit about myself. I feel angry and saddened that (it appears) everyone is moving forward yet I am like a hamster on the wheel that never gets anywhere, forever chilling on the very bottom. Being grateful every day is not something that comes easily to me. Neither does self-acceptance (believe me we know, think longtime readers of this blog).

I was thinking today about how I always dwell on all the things that I’m not and all the things I don’t have, instead of all the things that I am and all the things that I do have. What brought this revelation on was when I was at the mechanic/neighbors picking up our plentiful packages [oh the holiday season], and one of the mechanics said to me, “I thought you should know that when your package came today, as so-and-so signed for it, he said ‘Oh good, that means Caitlyn will come by today.’ We all look forward to your appearances because you make us laugh.” I was so stunned/touched by this, I think I stuttered a thank you, resorted to my standby self-deprecating humor bout how that’s the first time I ever heard somebody say they were looking forward to seeing me, we all laughed, I walked away smiling and hadn’t stopped smiling since. Whenever I’m at the neighbors, I am just trying to not be my always awkward self, and I never thought what they might see or take out of the brief exchange because I always just assume my jokes are stupid, that they’re counting the seconds until that awkward neighbor leaves. I always see the worst. I think I’m awkward, I’m always going to be awkward, but that’s not what other people necessarily see. These neighbors don’t know how I see myself.

I pout too often about how I don’t like my weight right now, but I ignore the positive changes I have made.  I was staring at my grocery cart in the check-out line the other day and I couldn’t believe that it was my cart, full of stuff picked out by ME. Two years ago I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell you what egg whites were. Or why too much sodium was a problem. Or what almond milk was. Or what Greek yogurt was. and why it was different. Two years ago when I went to the grocery store, I completely ignored the perimeter of the grocery store. I never bought produce. Ever. I bought cookies, crackers, bagel bites, ice-cream, cheez-its, pop-tarts. All I drank was soda, alcohol and the occasional water with Crystal Light. I’m pretty confident that I never, ever, ever hit my suggested veggie intake. Now I fill my cart with egg whites, fat-free Greek yogurt, cranberries, spinach, bananas, strawberries, almonds, carrots. I think and care about things like my veggie intake everyday and make smoothies or small salads to accommodate if I realize it’s low. I pause to dwell on if I am drinking enough water – and sometimes, I even drink more water than recommended. I limit myself to one soda or one Crystal Light a week, and sometimes I go without them.

I get borderline depressed when I look at my bank account and remember how poor I am. But if I frame the situation another way,  I  feel proud that while my bank account doesn’t end with as many zero’s as I’d like it to, I’m living on my own in a new city, paying bills, and am still managing to save something.  When I moved to this city, I lived here for 4.5 months without any income. I’m proud that I managed to make it work and am still here making it work and learning about living on my own. I personally have a lot to learn about how to be an adult and live on my own.

Not only do I tend to have a distaste for where I am in my life and dwell on all the things that I’m presently not, I am guilty of pigeon-holing myself and accepting what I  let myself think I can never be. Make sense? Probably not. I know I hold myself back and don’t take chances because “well, obviously, that’s not for me, that’s for people cooler/more successful/more talented than me. I won’t be able to do that.” It’s sobering to realize I severely underestimate myself and cut myself off from fun things. Shouldn’t I be my own advocate? My biggest  cheerleader? It’s sad to realize I’m always my worst critic – and yes, I know I’m not alone in that. I’m training for a 12 miler in August (!!!!!) which I NEVER thought I’d do. Those kinds of things were obviously for runners only and I can never be a runner because .. hello..look at me, my name is Caitlyn, it’s not in my DNA, I suck at everything forever and ever amen. I’m still not 100% convinced I’ll be able to pull it off but I try to banish those thoughts and just focus on going a teensy bit further than I did yesterday.  I always thought it’d be so cool to be a half-marathoner but never pursued it because of who I thought I was and who I just accept that I am. Lazy, afraid, doomed, terrible at everything,hopeless. Yes, I’m lazy, but I can overcome that. Yes, I walked a nearly-20 minute mile in 7th grade and hated it every second, but why oh why still think about that 10 years later? It was a stupid grade school fitness test, it should have nothing to do with today, and the Caitlyn back then was most definitely not the Caitlyn of now. Thank God.

Really I get so angsty about how I’m not where I want to be, but I don’t stop to think about where I am, compared to where I  have been. Sure it’s not as fast and the results aren’t as sudden as I’d want them to be, but they are there. The littlest of results. Things – good things – will happen if I keep chugging along. Even if it feels like I’m getting nowhere. Good things are there. I just have to pay more attention and readjust what view I’m looking at.