Ten Years

What is wrong with me? I post “why I’ve been blogging less but oh don’t worry I’ll still be around!!!”…then I run away. I suck.

I thought the internet was lacking in a sentimental post so here I am to save the day and make all the readers in the place with style and grace…cringe. In the spring of 2004, I was in 8th grade. Throughout grade school I played field hockey (fall), basketball (winter), softball (spring). I mostly did it because my friends did it and I had (still have?) FOMO- fear of missing out. Softball was far and away my least favorite, so I finally decided to ~live for me~ and quit so I could enjoy the remaining of my 8th grade days because I assumed life would be SUPER stressful in omg high school. I think I announced my retirement in a dramatic AIM away message. Maybe with Something Corporate lyrics.

Suddenly I had hours free! So much spare time! It was wonderful….and it jumpstarted the problem I’d have for the next decade. Too much spare time, nothing to do, so I started eating. I ballooned. I’d always been tall for my age, but by 8th grade, everyone had grown and I had stopped. At 5’2 (maybe 5’3 if you’re in a generous kind of mood). I graduated as the 11th shortest girl (I commemorated this in my diary so that’s how you know it rocked me to my core) and undeniably a little bit bigger. I remember my mom asking me once “You’re eating again? Are you sure? There’s a pool party coming up.” I was like “What? Yes I am hungry. I’ll be ready for the pool party, GEEZ MOM.” Lo and behold, a few weeks later, I wasn’t ready for that pool party. I didn’t go in the pool. I wore a two piece but never took my cover-up off. When my friends went in the pool, I sat or went to the bathroom to pretend to fix my hair or something.

I quit softball and filled my spare time with mindless snacking. A habit I have yet to break.

It’s hard to accept that it’s been ten years since that spring. I’ve written over and over in lengthy, painful, rambling posts about how I feel my weight and eating habits have held me back. It’s sobering to realize that a whole decade passed where I hated my body, ate more because I hated my body, and yet I didn’t have “it” to change. “It” meaning: the willpower, the mental fortitude, the knowledge of nutrition or how my body worked, the desire to learn all that, etc. I was miserable for so long about how my body looked so I’d eat to cheer myself up after a dismal shopping trip with my mom when I wanted to wear cute, stylish clothes that hugged my body and instead went with flimsy, flowy blouses or to fill a void when I saw my friends in relationships. Whatever. The list and the drama can go on (and probably does in multiple posts on this blog).

I’ve officially been blogging about my grand weight loss attempt for a year. I’ve done really well, then let myself have a reward “just one cheat day” on a Saturday which turned into a Sunday resolve of “ehhh just make it a cheat WEEKEND” that turned into eating poorly on Monday and Tuesday, but I couldn’t re-start healthy eating and living on a Wednesday! That was dumb! So NEXT MONDAY it would begin! Or when I didn’t feel like prepping healthy meals, figuring out what groceries I needed and then actually grocery shopping.

I’ve re-started with the resolve, then stopped, then taken forever to re-start again so many times over the past year. This particular winter has been brutal when I just couldn’t make myself get up to go to the gym and so hibernated in my house binging because it was too cold! The last week has been better, and I realize NOW that I really can’t let myself off the hook too much with “cheat days” because otherwise it just turns into one big, binge-y freefall. Should it have taken me so embarrassingly long? Probably not.

The last year has been one of so much learning, so much stopping, and eventually re-starting. All that matters is the re-start happens and I’m a lot more motivated than ever. Realizing it’s been a DECADE like this helps. Turning 25 in May helps.

It’s been 10 years but it won’t make it to my favorite number 11 🙂

3 thoughts on “Ten Years

  1. It’s awful I feel that way too. I always get mad at myself and think that I don’t have enough self control to eat less or cheat less or whatever. My current resolve is to be conscious of what I’m eating but try to have less of a plan so there is no guilt in cheating on anything. Eating more veggies and fruit and less crap but still enjoying life and getting my workouts in. Something Corporate was my ish in high school. Still love it haha

  2. I have totally been there before and know what you mean. Yo yo dieting is not a fun way to be. I found reading the Intuitive Eating book really helpful for some of my ’emotional’ food demons or for helping me to see why and when I was eating when not hungry.

    I am now currently trying the 5:2 Diet after seeing a great documentary on it by Michael Mosley where you have 2 low calorie days a week and the other days you don’t diet.

    I hope all goes well and welcome back to the blogging world again 🙂

  3. Jeez girlfran, that’s a wonderful story to hear. I mean, it’s not like you can just snap your fingers, and poof, be on track all day e’rrryday. Ain’t gonna happen. But here you are holding yourself accountable and ensuring your progress in the future. I believe in the changes because I underwent them myself. I was super athletic all through high school and then my junior year I quit everything so I could start making a living and work more hours to save for a car. First job? McDonald’s. And if anyone thinks i didn’t eat every meal there every time I worked, they are mistaken. Talk about ballooning up. Luckily, my youth kept me sort of on track. Anyway, it wasn’t until shortly after college (and like, 20 pounds later) that I had the courage to test out a treadmill. And I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it. What I did love, though, was how I felt after a quick 10 minutes on the treadmill. I wanted to do more, get better. And that’s the way I got started – a whole 4 years later I’m finally where I want to be. So, take the time that you need because shit won’t happen over night and you’ve got to accept that. 🙂

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