That’s me. I feel stuck. In every aspect. December has not been a kind month. I got screamed at in the middle of a meeting for the first time. I cried in the bathroom at work for the first time. I kind of cried to my boss for the first time after we had a big confrontation over the one instance where I whispered (whispered!!) a joke to the girl next to me in a meeting where 20 other people were talking to the person next to them and when I do it, it’s single-handedly THE MOST UNPROFESSIONAL THING EVER. Despite sitting there singing Katy Perry ‘Roar’ lyrics in my head so I wouldn’t I still kind of cried and she saw and told me ‘oh geez don’t get upset’ which for some reason made me MORE upset. I’ve also had to pull over on the car ride home for the first time so I could cry. My dad said “I’m sorry you’re feeling miserable” and I said “I’m not miserable. I just feel so stuck.” I haven’t been able to pull myself out of bed at 4 am to go to the gym because if I’m asleep I can delay being awake and feeling stuck and thinking about being stuck.
My love life [haaaaaa] is non-existent. My battle with weight is so frustrating. I have been doing so well and then weeks like recently happen and the only way I know how to deal is to just inhale.all.the.foods.I feel like I’m not that connected to Baltimore and it’s my own fault. I have been better with this, and I’ve met some more people, but I still don’t have many Baltimore friends. I have like, 3, people to go out with on weekends and if none of them can go, I’m out of luck. And that’s my fault too but I just am too awkward to put in too much effort and after work all I want to do is put on sweatpants and stay in my house. My college roommates keep asking me if I think I should move and that seems way too dramatic..even for me. I don’t even know what I would move for- a job? I don’t know what I want to do. I like what I do. It makes sense to do what I do but I don’t know if I’m that good at it. I still often feel like I’m faking it. Somedays I escape meetings where I babble on about nothing and when people nod I think ‘phew. I fooled them again. They couldn’t tell that I don’t know a damn thing.’
I guess at 24.5, with 25 looming, I realize I’m nowhere near the girl I thought I would be at 25. I thought the 25 year old me would be thin, have a great job I loved and kicked ass at, had a great boyfriend, a great wardrobe, live in a city and did such cool things. I’m in a city, but i can’t seem to propel myself into making the rest happen. Lazy, scared, pick one I don’t know. Oh and I don’t know anything. There’s that too. But! There’s still time. May 12 [my birthday] is 5 months away. All I know is I’m sick of disappointing myself and feeling like sometimes all I do is wander aimlessly and that I just survive. That sounds dramatic but I feel like lately 200 times a day I say ‘I just want to go home and be in bed.’
Sooo that’s where I’m at. I’m just pulling myself forward and trying to figure out how to be proactive and find answers and..blah. This post is slightly hysterical. I’m not depressed or anything that serious. I’m …fine. But is that enough? I dunno. At this age (the time of my life!!! or something), shouldn’t I be more?
uh. happy friday!? take a shot every time i say stuck in this post.