And I’m Here….Again.

I’ve been the worst blogger in all of the land and sorry. Work has been crazy and I’ve lost any pretend grasp of control of my life. BUT…I can’t just blame work as much as I would absolutely love to. I’ve, uh, been avoiding the blog kind of because … yeah.

For my roommate Molly’s wedding, all I wanted to do was show up looking thin and toned. I knew about her wedding for months [years, even], so anytime I reverted back to my horrible, junk food eating habits, I’d stand back up and brush it off and resolve that I had to get my act together for Molly’s wedding. Yet somehow, three days before her wedding, I found myself in the same situation I’ve been finding myself in for years. Sitting in a dressing room with horrendously critical lighting surrounded by dresses, wearing one that I couldn’t zip up, fighting back tears. Except only this time, thank God, my mom wasn’t outside the door. Here I was back at my normal size and I HATED how everything looked. How was I here again? After all my months of trying so hard, here I was AGAIN. It felt like I hadn’t even made any progress because I just looked the same. All I had wanted to do was show up at the wedding 10-15 pounds lighter and barring a miracle, that wasn’t going to happen. I pulled myself together somewhat and bought a dress I didn’t like that much because it was the only one I thought looked kind of okay.

On the ride home, I felt so frustrated. I felt so sad. I felt so disappointed. And my mom called. My car has a speaker phone thing in it so there’s no getting around it. I was weak and answered. She noted I sounded down and so I told her I didn’t like my dress. She translated accordingly [why do moms know everything?] and sighed. “Caitlyn…you know…don’t get mad at me, I know you’ll get mad at me but….for as long as you have been working at this, you should be 80 pounds by now.” I snapped and told her if I were 80 pounds I’d probably be dead, and then hung up. I’ve been dragging my family along [and everyone via this blog] for months on some great, wonderful, weight loss journey of self-discovery and here I was. With nothing to show for it except for now I know how to microwave egg whites and that I like Trader Joes balsamic dressing. Whoopie.

Sure, I overslept for Body Pump a few times, or missed it because I was working, or just because I didn’t feel like going or I had groceries in my car and didn’t go to the gym because I didn’t want to let them sit. I’m so good at letting myself off the hook and think ‘Oh I’ll get ‘em tomorrow.’ Or I haven’t been 100% committed to healthy eating even though…

Abs are made in the kitchen

 

I let myself off the hook too easily with an unhealthy snack or a binge session because oh hey! I ate salads and oatmeal and apples yesterday..I’m good! Can’t I ‘cash in’ on yesterday’s success? I knew when I started this whole thing that one of my problems is that I’m lazy, have a hard time committing to things and staying motivated. I like to run when things get hard and never be forced to face it.

This whole healthy living thing isn’t easy and it takes time. I knew that going in. But that’s not an excuse. I should absolutely have more to show by now. It’s horrendously embarrassing to have somehow lost any momentum and have come to a sputtering stop trying to figure out how I keep winding up here.

And that, friends, is one of the reasons I’ve been semi-absent. Pride. Embarrassment. I debated deleting the blog because who wants to keep writing stupid, whiny, pitiful posts by a girl who can’t figure it out and put it together? At this horrendous rate I’m going, it’ll be 5 years before I lose 10 pounds and keep it off for longer than a month. But then I remembered how much I like you guys sooooo….blame yourselves. 🙂

Where do I go from here?…I’d claim it was rock bottom but I still apparently have enough self-control to pull back the reigns on the dramatic effect…I don’t know. I can’t feel any lower about all my attempts than I did over the last three-ish weeks. I guess it’s ‘New Resolve’ version 9.0. And what’s the saying, can only go up from here? I sure as hell hope so.

 

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23 thoughts on “And I’m Here….Again.

  1. I have been there .. many, many times. I get super motivated to get in shape, eat healthy, and lose weight. I have lost quite a bit of weight, but I am still not where I would like to be. I have felt frustrated, just like you. Don’t get down on yourself (easier said than done, right?!). I think you look awesome and tomorrow is always a new day to make even more changes. 🙂

  2. you know, i think its time for a perspective overhaul. a healthy lifestyle is not always easy and results come in different ways. challenge yourself to not even think about the weight for 6 months. everybody has setbacks, and its easy to get frustrated- but i bet you’re a lot stronger, smarter and healthier now than you were when you started this journey. its not about deadlines, its about forming healthy habits that last a lifetime. so you werent the size you wanted for one particular event- in the macro perspective of life, you wont care- and i bet you look gorgeous in that dress anyways. plus as long as you have a genuine smile on your face, you will be pretty no matter how much you weigh 🙂

  3. I’ve definitely been there. I think a lot of it is mental- you have to really decide- not just consider but firmly make the decision- to have a healthy lifestyle. Have you considered doing a training/nutrition plan? I just started one and so far so good!

  4. I’ve definitely been there. I think a lot of it is mental- you have to really decide- not just consider but firmly make the decision- to have a healthy lifestyle. Have you considered doing a training/nutrition plan? I just started one and so far so good!

  5. Please don’t stop writing – I LOVE your blog. You’re honest, witty, funny, charming and a pleasure to read. Keep on going – you can DO THIS. It took you years to get where you are right now and it’s my going to change overnight. You can do it and you will do it. Every baby step adds to the big picture. It may not seem like progress but it is. Trust me. Keeeep writing or I will be sad! And you don’t want some random Canadian girl that you don’t even know sad, right?! 😉

    Keep it up!!!

  6. I also wanted to chime in on how much of it is a mental block….make sure you aren’t putting your self worth in your body. You are YOU. Your body does not make you a success or a failure. As cheesey as it is try to love yourself inside and the outside will follow xoxo

    I will now shut up 😉

  7. I think it’s a huge accomplishment to recognize what went wrong and share it for all to see. The times that I have the most success is taking one day at a time, writing down everything I’m going to eat that day, and then the next day is a new day, you can do it, don’t beat yourself up, that’s not helping anyone.

  8. When you mentioned that you choose to run when things get hard versus actually facing them….ohhhhh I can relate, so much. I’ve recognized that pattern in myself and have been actively trying to change that. So the fact that you have that awareness is definitely a good thing.
    And seriously, can we all agree that dressing rooms are where self esteem goes to die? Seriously. I’m sure you looked a lot nicer in that dress that you thought you did!
    Keep at it, girl!

  9. Aw, girl, please don’t feel so down on yourself. And PS before I start (so not really a PS) your blog can contain whatever the hell you want it to – even if you want to whine about things or curse the world! It’s YOUR blog. MMMk, now that I’m done whining… 🙂
    You’re really going to have these moments that make you feel so shitty and worthless that it’s almost easier to give up. But don’t. Don’t ever give up. I know you’ve heard it before (and maybe even from me before too) but it’s taken me tons of time to be able to consider myself healthy and fit. Like, I’ve been out of college for three years and that’s how long my change has been happening for. And it’s ever changing, that’s the beauty. You may feel like you’re not making progress – fine. Then do something about it (which you are!). It’ll be up and down until you maybe find something that really works for you. I promise you that you’re not as poorly off as you think you are and you’ve just come across a minor road block. But you wouldn’t be Caitlyn unless you got back up and kept at it – after all – you do that with everything else in life, I’m sure, so why not with this?
    It’ll happen eventually, and while you may find you need to push harder or make even more changes, it will happen eventually as long as you keep at it. You don’t want to lose 15 pounds over night because that won’t be sustainable. You’re smart, educated and you’re going to get it done! I believe in you!!!!!!!!

  10. Don’t fret! This post was a godsend to me because the last 2 months I’ve been crying everytime I get on the scale because I’ve gained back the 7 lbs I lost in the spring after last christmas when I broke down about my body as you did. I’ve got some resolve now to change things before these holidays. Maybe your body set point isn’t as low as you’d like-I know mine isn’t. Also I think finding something that is going to be flexible and not have this eat a salad and little else, then binge the next day cycle. It’s really hard, but I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this. I always feel like I’m stupid for not being able to stop eating so much or having no self-control etc. I think the first step is accepting yourself. I’m trying to work on saying hey, I love my body now. I’m just going to improve it a little. It’s not bad now, but I’m going to make myself feel even better. Let me know if you need to talk since we’re going through the same thing.

  11. You sound so real here. I think all of these feelings are totally normal. You just have to remember that sometimes health isn’t measured in numbers on the scale, although that number can be really important to us. Just be true to you. Take breaks when you want to. Eat what you crave in moderation. And keep blogging 🙂 The blog community is all about support. You have nothing to be embarrassed of. You are clearly trying, and working at making a lifestyle change. I think you may be being too hard on yourself, I’m sure you still looked beautiful in that dress! 🙂

  12. I’ve been here so many times. In fact, I just gained back 5 hard-lost pounds, and I’m pissed. I didn’t post for a long time (all summer) because I was super embarrassed that I had nothing whatsoever going on, weight loss, financial, or otherwise. But I seriously love your honesty, and I can definitely relate to how hard the weight loss peaks and valleys are.

  13. Girl I FEEL ya. For SOOOO long I have worked out and never got my eating under control so I didn’t have much to show for all my “efforts.” It’s a long journey, one with lots of ups and downs but its okay because you’re on the right path! I can relate to the whole pride and embarrassment thing. I never tell anyone when I’m doing a new challenge or whatever bc I’m afraid of failing. But it’s OK. Trying and failing is much better than not trying all. So now you can pick yourself up and move forward knowing what doesn’t work for you/your body/your lifestyle. Hang in there 🙂

  14. WOAH. It’s like you read my mind. I actually have a similar post coming out tomorrow about this exact subject, but I have the opposite problem with an ED. I end up reaching a point where I just don’t want to write about it because it will only make me feel bad about myself. Honestly though, I think that life happens. It doesn’t have to be all about losing weight. It should be about enjoying living a healthy lifestyle, exercising moderately, and just being happy. The times I’m happiest are usually the times I’m healthiest without trying, and coincidentally, the lowest weight (also in a healthy way). I have so much I could say about this topic and even though I’m not in your shoes exactly, I do get you completely. You don’t WANT to be 80 pounds. It wouldn’t be healthy! It’s all about balance and figuring out what works best for you. So I say keep blogging and also that we seriously need to meet up soon. Next Tuesday, perhaps?

  15. Caitlyn, you have been working so hard that you should not be this tough on yourself. I find it easiest to pick a few things I know I can commit to. Like, I will go the gym 3 times this week. Or, I will have dessert twice this week. Keep your goals small and obtainable. It’s ok to have set backs. You’re human!

  16. i did that for SEVEN YEARS before i was able to get my shit together and stick with it so don’t beat yourself up; we’ve all been there!
    the trick is to take baby steps. instead of tackling the whole thing at once, do it one goal at a time.

    need to eat clean? just do that for 4wks straight – no gym, no nothing – just eat clean. make that into a habit first before looking at the rest of your goals (takes humans 4wks to form a new habit).
    then when you have that down, introduce working out 4times a week and workout the same day at the same time for 4wks to make that into a habit.

    as you begin to see these new habits, you start to feel more confident and when that happens, you start to tackle more goals.

    baby steps is key to sticking with it! 🙂

  17. There’s not really anything I can say that one of these other awesome people hasn’t already said. Seriously, so much great encouragement.. and I really think we have all been there. If your eating really is the part that you’re having trouble getting under control, I agree with what Kathy said right above me – take a couple weeks and focus only on your eating. I do the same thing you said you do – “well I worked out today, so it’s fine if I eat _______” (insert unhealthy food there). I’m not saying don’t work out at all, but maybe make the eating your focus instead of the exercise.

    By the way.. I need to start taking all of this advice too. It’s a lot easier to tell other people what they should do than it is to actually do it yourself. I hope you start feeling better though.. there are few things worse than feeling down on yourself, and it’s not always easy to get yourself out of a mental rut like that. Keep your head up!

  18. You are struggling with something that many of us healthy living bloggers struggle with too! I have been in your exact shoes and thought about deleting my blog in the past. But, don’t. People can relate to this type of struggle and it helps to know we’re not alone! I’m sorry that you had to have that feeling and that it interfered with something you had probably been looking forward to. It WILL get better and you will figure it all out. It’s the great balancing act, and I’m not sure anyone ever has it down perfectly. Don’t be discouraged – you’ll get there 🙂

  19. If I could, I would sit you down with a cup of coffee (probably a non-fat pumpkin spice latte, because it’s just that time of year and it is, well … comforting) and tell you something that has taken me years to understand. The number on the scale does not define you. The less than perfect image in the mirror does not define you. An awkward statement made by a well-intentioned (however supremely misguided) mother … does NOT define you. Only you, the inside of you, the soul and spirit of YOU, makes you a worthy human being. Just the attempt you are making at a healthy life is more than 95% of the rest of the world is doing. It is the getting back at it, not letting a set back defeat you, that makes you who you are. The never staying down for good, no matter how hard that last punch was, attitude that makes you YOU. You are beautiful, bright, funny, witty, and from the few pictures you have put in your blog, certainly NOT FAT. So what if the fitness model wasn’t staring back at you from the mirror of your dressing room? The person who was staring back is an incredibly gifted girl who is letting a bogus image of perfection undermine her sense of self-worth. So what if the dress you chose was not your favorite? Rock it! I know you will. I am willing to bet that it looks fabulous on you and everyone else is going to think you are stunning. As for the blog, it is moments like this, where you share the inside of you, that makes it worthwhile. None of us are perfect and it helps to know that we are not alone on our imperfect journey’s.

    Get back up, square your shoulders, put a big ol’ smile on your face and go out there and knock ’em dead.

  20. Just hang in there. Thanks for sharing cause I can relate. I’ve been struggling too. I’ve been a little lazy the past few eeerrr months… Reading this made me feel that I’m not alone dealing with it. Have faith… before you know it, you’ve reached your goal already! =)

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  22. Keep at it. You can do it. If you make small changes that you can stick with, you will see results over time. Don’t beat yourself up for lack of progress, and just get back at it. That’s my two cents, anyway. I’m enjoying the blog, thanks.

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