When I Get There

What’s waiting for me? Who am I going to be?

I know, this is ridiculous and I don’t blame you if you think “why does this girl so willingly plaster allllll over the internet that she’s totally loony tunes?”.  I’m only trying to lose 15-ishhhh pounds so this shouldn’t be such a drastic overhaul, but being an analytical worrier is kinda my thing. For so long, I’ve always chalked all of my insecurities to being overweight. “I’ll be better at speaking in meetings if I’m thinner”, “I’ll be a better flirt when I’m not overweight”, “I’ll be more confident when I’m thin”, ‘I won’t think everyone’s judging/laughing at me if I’m thin”, et cetera, et cetera. The extra weight I lug around has always been a defense mechanism, of sorts. I’ve always been convinced that I’m so insecure because of my weight. And if I lost the weight, I’d be more confident, have more fun, let loose, not so easily intimidated and whatnot. For example, in my lackluster love life—if I’m a little overweight, no guy could want me so I never have to face rejection.

Here’s what I know:

  • I’m not expecting that when I am fitter that I’ll be a totally different person who suddenly hates Goldfish or realizes my calling to join Scientology. I know that I’ll still be Caitlyn who needs plenty of alone time and is forever addicted to the terrible, terrible, terrible Bravo shows. I’m not going to suddenly be !!omgzz so happy!! after a magic number appears on the scale
  • I am well aware that being thinner is not the Be All End All and losing pounds doesn’t change how you think.
  • Working at being healthy is a forever thing. It’s never really going to be a done deal. I’ll be constantly adjusting and changing my goals and routines. Note to Future Caitlyn regarding the changing routines because Present Caitlyn is a moody creature of habit who loathes starting anything new and adjusting to new routines: this.is.a.good.thing.relax.
  • Let’s face it, I (and most people) will probably never really be 100% happy. If it’s not my legs, it’ll be my arms.  If it’s not my arms, it’ll be my abs. If it’s not my abs, it’ll be shoulders. And so it goes on and on. Everyone, no matter what size, has issues or causes of unsatisfaction.

I can’t help but wonder. For sooooo long now, I’ve always thought thinner me= happier me.  I think I took so long (almost 10 years!) in delaying making my health and body a priority because I was (am) scared of what I might find if I was to shed the extra weight. I just might find that when I was fit, I would still largely be unhappy with my appearance and that I would still be an insecure mess. If I was thinner/fitter, I’d lose my safety net. The blame game is one of my favorites and what do I blame then? I pin being overweight on practically everything: no, he wasn’t interested, I’m overweight,  I’m scared of practically everything because I’m overweight, I’m shy because I’m overweight. To lose that would mean I’d be more vulnerable and have to accept ME. It’s scary.

The last time I was thin I was in grade school – 8th grade. I played a sport every season just because all my friends were. And in 8th grade, we all quit so we could “live it up” (like our idol Ja Rule) as much as you can when you’re 13. I had more free time than ever and found myself mindlessly snacking and subsequently ballooning. For most of the crucial, maturing  years, I just slotted myself into the funny, kind-of-overweight kid who was content to fade into the background and let everyone else get allll the attention because oh I’m not thin like they are and I don’t want to be in the spotlight so that way I won’t feel judged slot. I don’t know (and don’t want to know) if that’s how other people in real life perceive me, but it’s how I perceive me and I’ve found I’m my own worst enemy. It’s weird: I’ve been fervently wishing the extra pounds away for so long, but now that I’m actively working toward it, I’m all panic! (at the disco) thinking ‘but what am I going to do when it leaves?’

I worry I don’t know how to be thin. I don’t know who I am thin. Does that make any sense? Probably not but if you’ve read here before then you likely know that logic isn’t my style and over thinking with a generous side of dramatic is.  This is the classic diagnosis: fear of success and fear of the unknown.  I’m just trying to figure out my best self and finding a balance, but I guess that’s what we’re all doing, isn’t it? Si.

(puh-leez don’t bother sending me e-mails saying I’m self-absorbed and/or seeking compliments as the second part is not correct,  n-o-t what the post is about or the discussion I’m interested in engaging in. Kthxbai. 🙂 ).


9 thoughts on “When I Get There

  1. I just love your honesty. Isn’t it amazing how we all have thoughts like that? “If I can run this much, I will be happier. If I can lift this, I will be more confident.” I completely understand where you’re coming from. Those thoughts cross my mind fairly often. Hopefully, peace of mind comes soon as healthy living becomes a permanent lifestyle.

  2. I have to admit I laughed out loud at the mini disclaimer about the emails at the end. Don’t worry, I won’t send you emails and call you self-absorbed. I actually know exactly what you’re talking about. I’ve never been “overweight”, but I have always been average. When I lost weight from my eating disorder, I actually did feel good about the way I looked, but I still wasn’t happy. It’s hard to know where “the end” is. Just because I was thinner, I wasn’t suddenly popular or getting asked on dates left right and sideways (quite the opposite, actually). I don’t know where I’m going with this other than to say I understand. And that I am oh so excited to have these super insightful conversations IN PERSON ALL DA TIMEEEEEEE 🙂

  3. Ok, 1. i think everyone who’s in the HLB community has been there (or is there). 2. you have been working HARD to get in shape. and the whole “being thin doesnt cause happiness” thing, shouldnt take away from the fact that this has been a GOAL for you, and you have every right to be freaking thrilled when you obtain it. THAT’S what happiness is. its reaching goals. its about feeling proud of yourself. today your goals focus on weight, tomorrow maybe they’ll focus on career, or love or travel or something like that. be happy now, be happy later, and dont worry about the numbers 🙂

  4. Ah yes the body thoughts. WE ALL HAVE THEM! Even when I am at my smallest, I still feel as if I have more work to do. I have only just started to accept myself for the way I look and anytime a negative thought comes into my mind I FLUSH IT OUT! It may sound crazy, but being single the last few months has actually helped. While I was in a relationship I knew that my body would be seen, and that made me all the more anxious at times. Now, no one sees me in my skivvies but me!! And maybe my cats, but they never judge. HAHA Anyway, it’s been easier to build up my confidence and love myself more when I have no one to impress but ME!

  5. Oh girly girl! You feel how you feel and you think how you think… Beth at Mangoes and Miles the other day had a great post about how a number won’t make you happy or change who you are… You should check it out if you haven’t already – and it’s totally true. You’ll still be the silly sarcastic lady face who (no one knows why) wants to visit Atlanta! But really, health is definitely a constant in life, that’s for sure. I am a healthy person but there are days where I sit down and just eat a big ole pizza! It’s how the world turns girl, you’re making changes and you’re seeing progress, that will never change. Your body is yours and only yours to do with it what you want. I think that when you get more fit (I’m not a fan of ‘skinny’) you’ll grow to love every inch of your body because you’ll treat it with respect and it will show you how capable it is of looking and feeling like a champion! 🙂 Now I’m going send you some hate emails… hahaha WTF to that people need to get off their high horses if they’re sending you emails about this shizzzz. My outlook on blogging has always been DONT READ IF YOU CANT HANG jeez.

  6. I love this. I need to accept that me being thinner doesn’t equal happier. For a while I’ve been working on those “last five pounds”. I’m trying to accept that I could not eat and lose a lot of weight (aka fat and all my muscle) or just be a little fluffier but have some nice muscle on my shoulders and legs. I’m trying to focus on doing what makes me happy. Counting calories and stressing over food does not make me happy. I should just be able to live. And eat some green things every day along with froyo and red wine 🙂

  7. I so appreciate your honesty and no need to hide it! I think everyone feels what you go through, only the smart ones will admit it though! I hate that mindset, “if only I was x, then…”- I do it all the time! Recognizing it though, is one step in the right direction at least!

  8. Pingback: Five [Lengthy] Facts Friday | city & the cubicle

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