I had somewhat of an epiphany.
Playing around on Pinterest, I found this:
This quote isn’t new to me. I’ve heard it for many years now. I knew what it meant and thought it was a compelling, awesome quote from a compelling, awesome lady.
Then, I found this:
And thus, seeing these two quotes, I had an epiphany.
I was letting Christine & Jenna make me feel inferior. I was letting them make me feel like I wasn’t a part of the department and that I didn’t fit in. I accepted the role of new girl turned department outcast and never questioned it. I GAVE them total power over how I felt. When I thought about how I was fitting in at work, I focused on how they made me feel. When in reality, if I think about the positives, my boss Sharon and I get along ridiculously well. It’s scary how alike we can be sometimes. Gemma is hilarious and we have a great rapport when we’re in meetings with just the two of us. Four other girls, Susan, Amy, Melanie and Rosie, are all so darn nice and have all been so welcoming.
I haven’t focused on them though. I focused on the two that were actively making me feel like an outcast and a loser. If you recall how I broke down my department, all of the girls mentioned in the last paragraph are the ones that are all over 40. They weren’t my age so I overlooked them.
Nice, Caitlyn. Real freaking nice.
All too often, I’ve let other people and their opinions dictate how I feel and what I do. I’ve too easily given people ownership over what isn’t theirs: my life. I’ve done this becase it’s easiest to just go along with what other people want. I’ve done this because I don’t want to do something ~different~ and leave myself vulnerable to other people talking about me. I’ve done this because I’m wary of what might people might think.
I’ve also been guilty of a horrible mindset.
If you recall, I was the one who suggested we make a company Pinterest. To my delight, I was given the task of creating it and building it. Friday afternoon, I was called into a meeting with Gemma, our social media person, and Sharon, my boss. Gemma explained that Jenna (try sitting in meetings with Gemma and Jenna, yikes) had a significantly lessened work load and in a meeting with our department director to figure out some more work for her to do, she mentioned she wanted to work on and help with the Pinterest.
My temper flared when I heard this. “This BITCH”, I thought. She heard me suggest it. She knew I created it. She saw how hard I was working on it. So in reply to Gemma, I blurted out “What? Seriously?” I was stunned. I was angered. I was saddened. I was offended.
Gemma and Sharon, after seeing my visibly stunned (I don’t have a good poker face) reaction, decided that we could split it. Jenna could do one market that didn’t have the manpower to do it while I would do the one that I worked on.
I complained to my mom. “Can you BELIEVE this girl?” I raged, “She has some nerve! What an ASSHOLE! I can’t believe it!”
Then after reading these above Pinterest quotes, I thought of how easily I was slipping myself into the all-too familiar “victim” role. It’s kind of my favorite role and mindset, I realized. I always make it seem as if everyone’s always out to get me.
I always harp on Taylor Swift for always making herself a victim, and here, I wasn’t much better. I was making it out to be that Jenna was the bully (again) and I was the innocent victim being steamrolled. I was making it out to be all about me.
If I think about it as objectively as I possibly can, it really isn’t that horrible that Jenna asked to take over the Pinterest. I highly doubt she was doing it to stick it to me. I doubt I had anything to do with it. She has a Pinterest account, I’ve heard her gush how much she loves it. I do have a lot of work starting to pile on, while she clearly doesn’t.
Her job is very specific and so there isn’t much wiggle room for her to do different things in our department, so Pinterest makes a ton of sense since it isn’t too specific.
Then in regard to Colleen & Dana, my roommates, leaving me out, I’ve been venting to my college friends and making me out to be the poor girl left out. Sure, no matter how I slice it or face it, I kind of am the girl left out of our circle just because I don’t work with them. They see each other for hours on end 5 days a week. There’s no getting around that. They’re in the same line of work. They’re going to be closer. But I can take more initiative and start making my own friends.
Now that Colleen, Dana and all of our friends/their co-workers will be engrossed in busy season and working on Saturdays, they’re understandably exhausted and don’t want to go out on weekends. I do! I’m young, single, live in a new city. I like going out. I’m not working 60-70 hours a week. What am I going to do for the next three months, stay in every weekend because they are? These are the best years of my life! I don’t want to waste them.
So I joined some groups on meetup.com in my city. A few are book clubs. The thought of going alone terrifies me but I need to take more control and more ownership in my life. Going on my own will be good for me. Plus, making friends who aren’t my roommates co-workers is something I need to do and something that’s pretty important. I can’t be so reliant on them. It makes me more independent and lets me be in control. Of course, I still want to hang out with Colleen, Dana and our friends. But I need my own friends. Friends I don’t constantly feel excluded from. Does anyone have any experience with Meetup.com?
I mentioned a few posts ago that there’s a young professional group that volunteers at the Ronald McDonald House. They’re having a get-together this week a few blocks away that I’m going to force myself to go to. Also I was happy to hear a girl from my internship just moved a few blocks away so I can text her occasionally, see what she and her friends are up to.
So, even though my New Years Resolutions list is already super long, this is important to add on. I resolve to alter my mental attitude. To stop caring so much what other people think. As long as I’m living my truth, who the hell cares what girls like Jenna think? There is always going to be girls like her. To stop comparing myself to other people and counting all the ways I don’t match up. I don’t know their story. They’re on a different life path then me. We’re not supposed to be the same! And while I need to stop comparing myself to others, I also need to let go of the own bitterness I harbor toward others. Again, I don’t know their story.
Seriously, Pinterest is the best.
All I can do is my best and stick to my morals. This is my life, and as far as I know, I only get one. I am at the steering wheel for my life. Nobody else is. This is MY journey. They get to steer their own journey. I shouldn’t be giving them the chance to dictate so strongly my journey as well. And while I’m at the wheel, I can’t just sit back. I need to take chances, take the initiative, as opposed to just waiting for people to do it for me.
Okay so if you read through this ramble, cheers! I’m sorry it got really embarrassingly cheesy, but I just had to see it all written out.
Woohooo for breakthroughs!